6^th March 1942

Jesus, my agony continues, there is no end to my Calvary. The black darkness of night will never end for me; I do not see the road, I cannot go forward, nor can I turn back; I have no guide, I have no life. I feel my heart and my soul have been torn to shreds. For love of whom do I accept all this? For You, my Jesus, only for You and for souls. Use my sorrow and agony, use the sacrifice that has brought me to this extreme, to give peace to the world, my Jesus, so that your divine Heart can receive from me all the joy, consolation and love that is possible, so that all your wishes may be realized, so that the souls may be saved. If I can not live to save them, if my sufferings are not enough to prevent them from going to hell, my love, then quickly take me to Yourself; if I am to live like this at least may this hope remain, that my agony might console His divine Heart. Hasten, Jesus, to help me; make me firm in my purpose. Give to my lips a smile behind which I can hide all the martyrdom of my soul; it is enough that You are aware of all my suffering. My Jesus, search my whole body, heart and soul, see if You find something that can serve You: I want to give You everything, everything. The withdrawal of my dear spiritual Father from me, and all the sacrifices that followed, gave me the most suffering. And now, my Jesus, to know that he is so near to me, and me like a poor, sad bird in the days of winter, dieing with hunger, not being allowed to speak to him, to receive food and life for my soul from him – this is reason enough to die with pain. Reign and command with your love, only it can conquer.

I promised You, my Jesus, to suffer in silence, not having anything to relieve the pain of the sad suffering in my chest. Now I can take no more, Jesus, I am entirely immobilized. The humiliations, contempt and abandonment have overpowered me. I have lost the life of earth, I lost the life of Heaven, I am of no use to You.

Poor soul, that feels nothing but fear and dread. Sad heart, anxious to have the blood of the whole world to pave all roads of Calvary with letters of blood: love, love, the love of Jesus!

But she has nothing, and is of no use in consoling and loving Him.

O Jesus, hear the cry of my soul; I only want to love you, never to sin. I am misery, I am nothing, I am ashamed, I am weak. But my will wants to follow all roads walked by You.

My body is on the cross. I feel my head covered with thorns which I am unable to turn from one side to the other, each thorn wounds severely. Calvary is engraved on my breast; suffering it all is very painful. But my lips only want to stammer: more ― more, my Jesus, more. The will goes crazy as the crucifixion approaches; the body, poor rented nature, wants to retreat, it has not the courage to endure so much. The time is approaching. Be you, O Jesus, the full strength of your daughter who apparently feels herself abandoned by everything and by everybody.

(After the crucifixion)

The hour arrived, Jesus, and in the end came my affliction. I felt I could take no more. The crushing split my chest, and You, as always, came to my aid, You put your divine power in me.

― O my beloved, my beloved daughter, this is the way, follow me; the way is painful, it's the way to the Calvary. It was Me who chose you, it is for the salvation of souls, it is for my glory. Courage, my beloved! I have more consolation and joy in your crucifixion than in all the sufferings and love of souls all over the world! Cheer yourself; trust! You will soon, very soon receive the reward of all your sufferings. Have courage! Your dear Father is here to help you with your Jesus and your dear heavenly Mother.

I walked with You, my Jesus; I came to Gethsemane, but already so alone! I remembered your divine words, only they were my strength. There I didn’t find You nor hear your voice. Sad night of abandonment. That wave of sin fell on me. Through Gethsemane paths were cut for souls. Each soul was sealed by your blood divine. What sadness to see so many souls withdrawing from the paths and even despising them. But on all these paths various souls appeared suffering for You. Sweet Jesus, what a great pain for your divine Heart to be so mistreated by souls for whom you showed nothing but love. What confusion! What a dreadful fear transformed your heart and covered your body in blood! Poor me! What I was in the midst of that Gethsemane, my Jesus? A small ball, a useless instrument managed by You. Then came the steps of the Passion; here and beyond I was faint with weakness. During the flogging, I confess, my Jesus, that I never felt so abandoned by Heaven and earth. It was only a wild raving in my poor body; I was already at the height of my distress; it would have to cease or I would die. I felt then aid from the earth and your divine grace fell on me, I rested in you for some time to receive the sustenance I needed. My soul was transformed, it passed from the most extreme pain and agony to lightness and peace.

I went to the crowning of thorns. I felt obliged to rest in my heavenly Mother, I felt at that time, and several times after, that my dear spiritual Father, who they took from me, wanted to give me relief. My heavenly Mother took me in her arms and covered me with her mantle. She kissed me, and You kissed me, my Jesus. I heard You say to Her:

― She is my daughter, and your daughter, my Mother; she is born of our love. I followed on to Calvary; every step was a moment less of life. I missed the aid of Heaven, I had no light to show me the way. It was as if agony itself nailed me to the cross. The insults of Calvary stifled my moans: only You heard the drops of blood falling on the ground. I felt in my heart the moans and the tears of my heavenly Mother. I fell then in extreme agony, crying to Heaven and asking it what caused such vast abandonment. My cry was not heard, it seemed to me that it was not meant to be answered; I had to die alone.

And now, my Jesus, already a few hours of the night have passed, but my pain doesn’t end, my agony doesn’t end, my abandonment remains. Forgive me, my Jesus, it seems that I do not believe in You. The words that you said could not be meant for me, I am a vile creature, I cannot understand how your divine eyes can rest on me. What I am, what I am, my Jesus? Forgive me, bless me, my Jesus; however I wish to love You.

March 7  1942

My good Jesus:

I spent almost the whole night in Your company; I didn’t lose my union with You. I cried because I could not hide my pain; my tears were for You. The darkness reached as high as from earth to heaven; the blue of the firmament was hidden from me. I was so abandoned, so lost in the awful darkness: my pain was mortal. Before sun-rise You entered my bedroom, You came down into my heart. The pain continued for some moments, then your divine sun shone in my soul, I enjoyed your sweet peace and heard your voice divine:

― My beloved, O my beloved, my love consumes you. In you there is only very fine gold; my divine fire purifies everything in you. What wealth is in your heart! In it I find all consolation and delight. You gave Me everything, I took it all and kept it.

I came to the garden of my spouse, in it I picked many flowers and kept their perfume to distribute to souls: it is this that attracts them to me. My dear little one, tell your spiritual Father, that that is what he is, and always will be; It was not my wish that they take him from you, nor will it ever be; say that I send him all my love and that of my blessed Mother. It’s enough, it’s enough the experience of men. The blow that you received would have been fatal if I hadn’t looked after you, if all my divine protection hadn’t surrounded and helped you. I want him to return soon with all his care for your soul.

Tell Dr Azevedo that everything he does for you, he does for Me and I receive it through you. His reward is in eternity, I send him all my love, from you he will receive everything. All his little children are under your protection, none of them will be lost, each one will have a place of predilection in Heaven. I want him to be ever watchful of the plans entrusted to him; they cannot live without his care. The end is approaching fast, all the glory and triumph is for Jesus.

I didn’t hear You, my love, and almost immediately my heart started bleeding with pain. However, your divine power strengthened me; I suffer, but with more vitality. I do not want to doubt your words, I hope for a strong resolve, I hope for the complete transformation of human hearts. Only the power of a God can renew them in the face of so many obstacles.

I trust in You, my Jesus: don’t let me die of hunger, don’t allow me to fall wholly into discouragement. Give me all the love, all the confidence, and a great desire to suffer for You.

A blessing, my Jesus, for poor Alexandrina.

March 13  1942

Jesus, I will avenge myself, avenge myself with all the strength of those who have made me suffer. Do You know how, my love? With most devout prayers, with all my sacrifices, so that they may know You and love You. If they loved You as You want them to, they would not act as they do. Forgive them, good Jesus.

Without You, without your grace, I would be capable of everything they say about me, and of much more. If You left me alone a moment, that would be time enough for me to commit the greatest crimes. My only reaction to those who injure me and humiliate me can be to thank them. They open up for me a new way to You  so that I can follow You more closely, with more perfection and love.

I want to smile for everybody, but always, first and foremost, that smile is for You. My poor heart is cut in pieces, they don’t stop treading on it and continue to aggravate the same wound. No matter, it is all fuel for your love, it is enough for me that I am despised and treated by all as a slave. To You, my Jesus, I have already given myself as slave, and continue to give. I incline my head, to receive from You the axe of all the pain and sacrifice. And in my innermost heart I go on saying always: do, Jesus, do with me as You wish.

Jesus, my lips are shrivelling with thirst and my soul is dying of hunger and thirst. The thirst of my body is for You, a thirst that You don’t allow to be satiated; I offer You the sacrifice, I accept it with love, so that You can satisfy the thirst of all hearts.

The thirst and hunger of my soul is caused by men, they allow me to die, they do not allow my soul to feed and be satiated at that source that you have chosen.

O Jesus, O Jesus, have pity on me, see my soul as little bird lost, losing its life in helplessness.

Woe to me without you! What pain, what pain, my Jesus! What darkness! What frightful darkness! What paths so covered with thorns! I fall blindly on them; I wound my body and I lose my blood. It is for souls. You put in front of me, in front of my eyes a huge cross, I see it clearly, on it I am nailed continuously. And now, Jesus, from moment to moment my agony grows increasingly painful. From a great distance I call out, almost without life; my eyes lose their light; I die abandoned, full of fear. The crucifixion is closer and closer; seek me, veil me, my Jesus.

After the crucifixion

My Jesus, when the moments of the greatest of anguish were upon me, did You hear, my Jesus, my voice almost gone, asking You to take me to yourself, because I could take no more? Forgive me, my Jesus, forgive me, my love. It is true that my weakness was so absolute; my body had no strength, I was unable to move. My will wanted to follow You, it was firm and you came help it, You gave me your life, fortified me with your sweet voice:

― My daughter, my beloved, give alms to Jesus who won’t ask for them very often[1]. Without these alms, sinners die of hunger and thousands fall into hell. Without them, there would be no peace in Portugal, nor would there be peace in the whole universe; without them my divine love would not reign in many hearts, in many souls.

Courage! Your spiritual Father helps you, helps you with Jesus and your heavenly Mother.

I walked to Gethsemane each time with more sadness, pain and darkness. I felt You, my Jesus, investing me with the mission of calling souls. You told them the agony of your divine Heart, You showed them how it was injured and for love alone. What ingratitude! I felt them turning away from You, despising You. Poor souls, they don’t want to hear You! They run away from You, though crazed with the loss.

The souls went to one side and the Eternal Father to the other, angry with You, leaving You in the greatest abandonment. I could not resist feeling your pain, your bitterness; even the stones on the road spoke of it. I could not see any way You could escape the loneliness, You allowed Yourself to put lower than the ground, to be crushed by a universe of sins. I do not know how to express your pain, my Jesus, I have no words to explain the infinity of your love. I rose from Gethsemane and continued to be the same instrument in your divine hand during every step of the Passion.

The abandonment increases from crucifixion to crucifixion, the dying is more, a thousand times more. From Heaven I cannot expect aid, on earth they want to take everything from me. O Jesus, O Jesus, to where will I turn? Only with obedience, so badly misunderstood, can I offer resistance to a sea of pain.

During the flagellation I leaned towards You; your divine Heart was my shelter, in it I received the life that I had almost lost. Protected by You, I looked at all the sufferings, but while I rested I had no fear of them. Your divine shelter gave me strength, it alleviated my pain. When without any pity they struck my head and buried sharp thorns in it, I went to rest in my beloved heavenly Mother. Then, just as a little child plays in the lap of her mother, I ran to Her, I hugged Her neck, I kissed Her, and by Her I was caressed.

I looked from one side to the other, from all of them sufferings arose; I knew that these sufferings were for me; my heart smiled at all of them and said: I accept everything for love.

O my Jesus, this is relief, not consolations, as You well know. Keep the consolations that I could have in your heart divine. Shine in souls while I suffer in darkness.

I went to Calvary, I went to the cross; the exhaustion was mortal; insults fell on me. My body and soul were full of fear and dread. To cry to the sky was the same as to cry to nothing. To die alone, to die in pain between tears and sighs, to die to give life, to die to transform the darkness into light, these were my anxieties.

When this martyrdom ended, my Jesus, my poor heart had no moments of relief, it continued to bleed; it could not hope for happy horizons. Almost everything is digging my grave. I look behind, I look forward, I do not see anyone to help me; everything is rebellion, everything is contempt.

And my life of illusions goes on. Will they give my dear spiritual Father back to me? Will he come today, tomorrow? My Jesus, I did not commit any crime; I suffer in innocence, I suffer for your love, I suffer to give souls to You. Rather suffer a whole life in innocent than suffer a single moment in guilt.

My Jesus, the letters of my spiritual Father were given back to me . What for? The sacrifice has been made. It was like putting them on a corpse that feels nothing. Obedience dictates, I accept.

Your blessing and forgiveness.

March 20, 1942

Jesus, I do not want to live in illusions any longer; I want to live only in love and confidence. Cut away from me everything that is earthy, I want only to hope in You, I want to be strong, but I can not, I crawl day by day, and feel in my soul that new attacks are rising in me. Everything is rebellion. I see a world of lions rushing at me in a rage to devour me. What anguish in my soul! What profound sadness in my heart! My soul trembles with fear along with all my body: I cannot live like this. Is it because the end is drawing near? May it come, may it come quickly. Heaven is my hope. I wish, on all the paths I have taken during my life, to leave word of your love written in my blood. They are roads of warfare, paths of black darkness, darkness such as there never was, abandonment such as never I imagined possible. I raise my hands to Heaven, to Heaven which I so often gazed at and contemplated with love, but I don’t see it. I shout with my whole strength, from the bottom of the heart, but my cry does not rise, and it seems that Jesus doesn't hear me! Abandonment, what complete abandonment! ...

Jesus, feel pity for me, it seems to me that I have lost You and that I have lost my Heavenly Mother. They have taken from me the support, guide and light that you had given me for this earth.

Jesus, Jesus, look the lost, crazed young girl that suffers and accepts everything for your love, and to win souls for You.

Jesus, Heavenly Mother, I want to suffer everything, but I have no strength to help me. I am alone. I can say along with You: Father, why have You abandoned me?

Do you want me to be like You? Thank you, my Jesus. I feel the weight of your Cross. I feel that they are wrenching my heart, I feel that I will die crushed, but I want always to say: How sweet is to die for love! O how is sweet to fulfil the will of the Lord!

Jesus, when the crucifixion approaches, the dread increases, I feel myself nailed onto the cross, breathing from one breath to the next until the last.

The agony increases, my body is abused mercilessly.

O world, O world, that does not know the pain nor the love of Jesus. Only with Him can you embrace the Cross, only with Him is the road to martyrdom!

The time of the crucifixion has arrived: I am not able to fear it any more. My body had not the strength; all the help of Heaven is lost to me. Thank You, my Love, Thank you, my Love, you presented Yourself to comfort me.

-- "My daughter, listen: it is Jesus who is approaching, He comes to drink at your font, he comes to satisfy His hunger with your charity. It is with your crucifixion that the world receives peace. Courage! Your dear Father helps you from afar as if he were here. I did not take him from you. I accompany him with your Heavenly Mother to support you. Courage, courage!"

I walked to Gethsemane, my Jesus; for some time your divine words were engraved on my heart. Gradually in the darkness I could not see anything, and I was so faint I could do nothing. I suffered as if I had never heard of You nor encountered You. What sad abandonment! I began to feel blows striking my heart; they wrenched it from my chest, making it fall to the ground, crushed, beaten. It was not my own, but yours, my Jesus. What pain caused me to see You suffering so much and to feel that You wished to cover Yourself with earth, because it was the veil that was covering up the sins which covered You. Impossible! You couldn’t escape the sight of the Eternal Father. He saw You covered with the stain of sin, and was revolted. I heard your sighs, I felt your tears. You had no witnesses; the apostles slept; freed from all cares, they could not see that you were sweating blood. Only when You raised Yourself to call them, they saw your soaked clothing. Without understanding anything, they went back to sleep. Poor Jesus! You suffered alone. What a lesson for me! In the palace of Herod I felt on my shoulders the cloak of kingship and on my head the crown; I felt your pain and great suffering in my heart. During the scourging I went to rest in your divine heart. It was as big as the universe, I could explore it all, but no, I was too injured; I kept my energy for You, rested until the executioners returned.

During the crowning of thorns I rested in the arms of my Heavenly Mother, I felt that Her mantle covered me, Her blessed hand was caressing me, Her face next mine was soothing my pain. I felt myself tired, without joy. In Her arms You didn’t allow me to be hurt, but when I went to them I was already covered in blood.

I walked to Calvary, I felt that it was impossible to reach the top; my life went away, strength failed me. I invoked my Heavenly Mother, I invoked your divine name, my Jesus, I asked for your divine strength. I heard You say to me:

— "I will fill with my divine wealth the Cirenean who, with so much love, follows you along the path of Calvary, just as I chosen for the first Cirenean to help you from far as if he was here. The reward is great, it will be spoken through the ages, as it will of those who closely follow your pain and sooth it."

I came to Calvary. I felt the nails in my feet where I was crucified and another in my heart. Everything was in dark and total abandonment. From beyond came the sound of great blasphemies you heard my sighs, and the tears of bitterness that fell with the pain. I cried to heaven with all my heart; it was closed, it didn’t open for me. O pain, O pain, O abandonment that are accepted only by love!

All the passion finished, but the pain had reached its limits. I knew that I was right to feel the new assault in my soul. What a pity, Jesus, that the value of obedience and all that You work in souls is not known! My heart cracks with pain. The humiliations throw me to the ground. To be strong, only with You, Jesus. What can I do for those who hurt me? Accept, Jesus, the nauseas that I feel, which does not allow me to satisfy the thirst of my lips, so that they do not reject You hidden in their souls, so that they love and know your truths. Give them everything, my Jesus, because I give everything for them. Forgive me, Jesus. Give me your blessing, grace and love.

March 27, 1942

Jesus, hear my words, it seems to me that You are already buried under the weight of death. Again I want to say to You: I am yours in time and yours I will be in eternity; I give myself only to You and to You I want to belong. It is with a soul in anguish and a heart torn with pain that my lips again babble these words: for love alone.

The dense darkness does not let me see, my only feeling is the blood draining from my poor body. I feel myself alone, you robbed my comfort, the relief of my soul, my refuge in the land. I must fight, abandoned, in the most difficult struggle. Sometimes I cannot resist the longing to see the Holy sacrifice of Mass celebrated in my bedroom. Everything stolen, everything lost! Forgive those that caused me all this, my Jesus, for all of them I ask your compassion and light for their blindness.

Amid this sea of suffering and in this struggle in dense darkness, in very dark night, my soul enjoys the greatest peace. I am not afraid of appearing in your divine presence. I wonder, sometimes, whether this is pride on my part. How can I know, my Jesus? Is it hidden in my ignorance? You gave me the grace of knowing the abyss of my misery, but at the same time I see that greater, infinitely greater, is the abyss of your love, your mercy and compassion. I trust blindly in You and I hope in You. Oh my Jesus, is the infernal demon trying to harass me, to dislodge me from the peace of conscience, to tend me in some way to the earthly things. When I feel myself removed from the anxieties of the world and flying towards You, to the celestial Homeland that waits me, these things that torment me so much appear quickly in my imagination: "You are in a great hurry to leave your family and friends, whom you will not see again; everything ends with death, there is no Heaven or Hell".

Jesus, Jesus, I love You, I believe in you, You do not deceive anybody: do not let the cursed one confuse me. I did not want these words to be known; I do not want to shock anyone, I do not want to take the faith to those who have little, and to plunge into greater error those who have none. Forgive me if I should not say it. My good Jesus, my sweet Jesus, I have been crying with fear of my crucifixion. Ah, poor me, without You! Don’t fail me, my good Jesus, with your divine power, I have no strength, my life is lost. During the evening and the morning of today You encouraged me your divine presence. You presented Yourself to me, with the cross on your shoulders, bent to the earth, weakened and without life, surrounded by vile scoundrels. When I see God so suffering for my love, I can not refuse You my crucifixion; I accept it for your love, I accept it for souls. Take me, live in me, activate my lifeless body. It is time for the crucifixion; do not fail me, my Jesus, give me grace, strength and love.

After the crucifixion

Jesus, do not fail me, give me your strength and your holy protection so that I can describe as well as possible what You suffered in your passion and love for this poor victim. It is for your greater glory and for the benefit of all souls.

The eyes of my body seemed almost not to see when the moment of crucifixion got closer. My weakness frightened me; the abandonment in which I found myself led me to the grave. What a torment! To have no life and to have to fight against the world. Your life and your love came down on me, I heard your sweet voice:

— "My daughter, O love of Jesus, courage, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid. The path to Calvary is finishing: come and tread the last thorns. From the wounds made by them rise the springs of salvation. Souls need everything. Jesus’ consolation is in your crucifixion, He finds in you all the reparation that can be found on earth. Courage! Jesus, with His blessed Mother, doesn’t fail you. Your dear Father is accompanying you in spirit with my grace, he helps you in union with Us".

I went to Gethsemane: in the middle of the abandonment I recalled your sweet words that for some time I have kept engraved on my heart. Then, with the blows that I felt, for the mistreatment that has been given to me by humanity, everything disappeared. And there, alone, in deep silence, the greatest darkness, almost in death, I sought to hide myself forever, to have the earth as my hiding place, not listen to the threats of the Eternal Father.

My God, good Lord!! And me alone! It was not blowing a breeze, even the leaves of the olives trees had no movement except to bend their branches to the ground, as a sign of adoration. Oh pain, oh agony of Jesus, oh the delirium of the love of Jesus for souls! These sufferings were not mine, but yours, only yours, my Jesus.

I followed the footsteps of the Passion: here, and over there I was falling succumbed, crushed by pain. Repeatedly I invoked the name of Jesus and my Heavenly Mother; I asked your strength, because all mine was lost.

Thank you, my Jesus, with You I was resisting. During the flagellation, when I was being protected in Your divine Heart, I saw in front of me the executioners prepared the whips in order to punish my body yet more. Covered with your divine Love I was not afraid of them. During the crowning of thorns, when I was in the arms of my Heavenly Mother, I also saw them in front of me joining together sharp thorns, like a helmet, in order to nail it on my head. The caresses of my Heavenly Mother made me forget that they were being prepared for me. Oh, how vast is your power and your love, O Jesus!

I walked lifelessly towards Calvary to come the end; I could not walk, my strength was failing. In the second fall, obedience forced me to come back into your divine Heart; I heard that You said:

— "My daughter, all my thanks and all my love are extended to the Cirenean that helps you and on all his descendants until the end, and to your dear Father here at your side, and to souls that are close to you, and my love caresses you, softening your pain. This is not called earthy love".

I have been nailed to the cross. With every blow they used to nail me, I was fainting. The whole of Calvary was darkened, the sighs of my Heavenly Mother could barely be heard: they were stifled by the blasphemies, I felt them in my heart. It seemed to me that I would expire shortly and that You wished to tell me that I would die before the coming of my dear Father.

O my Jesus, this light that You gave me obliges me to trust more in You. It is true that I had never experienced an abandonment to compared with this, I have never been so cruelly injured, but instead of cooling my faith, my confidence, and my love for You, I feel myself more attracted to You. Everything invites me to love You, everything inspires me to ask You for forgiveness for those who hurt me. Forgive them Jesus, and give me my dear Father at least at my death, for the last time, so that I open my soul to him. I trust, Jesus, that You won’t fail to grant my request and that You will fulfil your promises literally.

Forgive me, Jesus, give me your blessing.