February, 26

It costs me so much to talk about the pain I experience! Referring to it is my big sacrifice! If only I could cover up my sorrows!

My God, let me not. I must obey, I have to talk about it: the pain is my continued life.

I suffer day, I suffer night, I suffer all the time, at every moment. I'm rolling through the soil; I roll, I run around the world without stopping, and it is pain that obliges me. My heart and soul and my entire being are ripped apart.

I feel like a world of beasts falling on me, all with trunks like elephants, which penetrate my body, suck all my blood; I am entirely exhausted, I have no more to give. Willingly I open my veins so that they might suck. But poor me, I'm like a river dried up, where only thick and parched sands are found.

Oh, my Jesus, What more shall I do for Thee? What else can I do for souls? Alas, the world does not see, and I have no light to give. Woe to the many souls who thirst and whose thirst I cannot quench! Let them, my good Jesus, all come into Thy Divine Heart where they find light to be satiated in. From Thee they can receive the life they need and that I do not have to give them.

My concern is Jesus; my concern is for souls.

O pain, sad pain, I want you, I love you, you come from Jesus, I kiss you, I hug you, I smile to you from my inner heart and soul! But, my God, how to live crushed underneath this universal weight?

The eyes of my body cannot see the sun which, with its rays, shines through the window and along to my room. My eyes cannot see it or my spirit remember that it exists, because the eyes of my soul only see night, tremendous night within and outside  of me. My ears cannot hear the chirping of the little birds that, with their trills, remember the approaching spring. I cannot hear the sea with its rumbling noise, because the endless sea, which is threatening, always threatening, with destructive warnings, is ever in my soul.

All this reminds me of the greatness and power of God and compels me to come inside myself, to live within myself, not to leave myself, joining Jesus with His greatness, with His power, with His love for sorrow, for pain and for the night of my soul.

I live in the presence of my God without loving Him, without knowing Him, without giving Him anything. It is greatness above nothing. It is fire on ice, life on death. It is as Jesus so wants it.

O will of my Lord, You are all I want!

During the night the devil came twice, with his tremendous and painful attacks. At first, I struggled with him alone. As he had difficulties to get what he wanted from me, he told he would call more demons to satisfy me. So he did: more arrived. I fought for a long time. He made a new threat:

— If you don’t come to pleasure willingly, I will invite more to bring you to sin, to crime.

All this was accompanied by horrific words. Poor me! My sweat dripped, my heart throbbed painfully. Only after the harm was done – or that it seemed to me that it was done – I cried, covered with an unequaled pain:

Save me, Jesus, I do not want to sin.

It was impossible for me to move an inch. My God, what a violent position!

I heard Jesus speaking at my side while I was out on a limb fenced all around with a tangle of thorns. I saw them clearly, because, among the thorns was something that shone whiter than snow; I did not know what it was, it looked like pieces of clouds; with its whiteness, it glittered and appeared like very sharp thorns, ensnared on each other. The abyss was so great it had no bottom! It was black, black, scary. Only the thorns enchanted me with the intensity of those white bits. When Jesus called "Angel, my dear angel, angel of my spouse and victim, take her to her place, with all love and affection". At the same moment I took my position. I was on my pillow. I began to see the abyss coming up, up almost like a flood of water. Jesus covered me with caresses and told me:

— You didn’t sin, you didn’t sin, my beloved. Your reparation, the very strong roots of your love tear from this ghastly abyss the roots of the sin of the souls that are in it. They come up to me; although they fall, they do not fall back to that deep, they fall to arise again and, little by little, they will be firm. Courage, daughter! Do you not find consolation in this?

— My Jesus, I have no other desire than to comfort Thee. And are you consoled?

— Much, much, my beautiful dove! I press my grapes and comfort myself,with the precious liquor that they give Me. I drink everything for my comfort and joy, I take all for souls. That's why I do not give you joy or consolation in the presence of those who could give them to you, depriving them of consoling themselves and rejoicing to see you happy and comforted.

— Thank you, Jesus, Thy will be done.

Hours later, the demon returned and began again with the same tricks and ugly acts. As soon as I sensed him, I offered it to Jesus in reparation for the souls that He asked. I did it quickly, while the evil one could still let me. Almost at the same moment I said:

— Jesus, Jesus, did not want to sin!

At the same time, I repeated unwillingly:

— I want, want to sin, I want pleasure, I want to enjoy.

Immediately I returned to say:

— Jesus, Heavenly Mother, save me, I don’t want to offend You!

But soon I repeated unwillingly:

— I want to offend You as gravely as possible.

Poor me, it seemed that I was wholly, wholly delivered to Satan, that I was absolute in cravings to satisfy passion. My heart could no longer bear so much struggle. My body was not even ash, it was nothing except pain, pain which can only be known by those who experience it. It seemed to me that the devil had had his wish. I again called on Jesus. The damned one told me:

— Ha! You call Him now after being satisfied, after you have sinned.

Jesus came and stood by my side, He did nothing but raise his blessed hand in front of Satan; He gave him the stop sign, and immediately the evil one stopped the attack and fled.

— O my Jesus, in what agony I prepared to receive You! How great was my confusion! How ashamed I am to give You entry into my heart! I cannot think of Thy infinite goodness.

During the day, thorns came on one side, and then on the other. Willingly, without trying to deflect them, with my eyes on You and for the love of souls, I left all to have my heart fixed on you. Either to suffer or to die. If I don’t comfort my Jesus, if I don’t save souls, what am I doing here, what is my life for? For nothing, nothing.