Alexandrina de Balasar





— 48 —


December 28

I smile at my cross, but, O my God, with how much agony of soul! I see all the time of my life lost. It seems to me that I have not lived for God or for souls, I have lived in the world as if not living. What accounts will I give to my God? I long to get out of this exile, but how shall I appear empty-handed before my Jesus? I feel I have done nothing because of Him or for him. I am colder than ice.

After Holy Communion, I feel that I am so cold; despite having received Him I see myself so far from Jesus that my soul cries with sorrow and pain. I am like a corpse that feels nothing, because the pain I feel is not mine, the tears I cry are not mine either. A corpse does not love, or feel the love with which it is loved. O death, O death, how tremendous you are! What sadness! Death of the body and death of the soul.

I am crushed by everything: the weight of humiliation crushes me, the weight of neglect and contempt crushes me, the distressing pain to save the world, not to let it to commit even one sin, to make it love Jesus with all grace and purity crushes me. The weight of endless longing to enter Heaven with the whole universe to sing a hymn of praise to Jesus, an eternal hymn, crushes me.

Oh my Jesus, what is awaiting me! I hear in the distance the storm that spreads wide and another approaching. Its anger comes to hurt my heart. Let it, let it bleed. Take account, Jesus, take account of the blood that gushes from it, it is blood shed for love, it is blood that runs in search of souls. I want to save them all, all.

O proof, hard proof, but loved proof: I see Jesus in this proof, in this proof I see the salvation of souls. Oh, I want to see those who are so close to me, who are dearest to me and yet I'm so afraid of them! I'm alone; I live alone.

O my Jesus, when will You give me my dear spiritual Father? When will You fulfil your divine promise? I live with hope and trust in You. I trust in Your love and Your infinite mercy.

It's Thursday, sad Thursday. I walk from one death to another. What fear, what fear!

It’s already night. My soul, terrified, fled to a wilderness, it wanted to be alone; it is embarrassed, fleeing to solitude only to cry tears of greater agony there. Oh, how much suffering it sees for itself and for the body! It sees everything, nothing is hidden from it.

The devil plans his assaults like a thief, tormenting me mercilessly. I cannot think of the things he says to me, so ugly, so criminal; they are things against me, against people I hold in the highest esteem, and against Jesus, which is what most distresses me. He blatantly states that I offend God and at that point it seems to me that he is telling the truth. He calls all the demons to come to sin with me and they come with all their hellish trickery. What sad and painful travail! It seems to me that I arrive at the gates of eternity.

I do not know why the heart does not open the chest because it hits it with so much force. When it seems me that I will I die, then I call more easily for Jesus and my Heavenly Mother, if not with my lips, with my heart and my mind. But it's at the end of the fight, at the end of danger, because before that the evil one seldom leaves me. Who can save me? What help can I expect if not from Heaven? Poor me.

December 29

Why don’t Fridays disappear from the world? Oh my God, I run to death and death runs to me! What distressing pain! My head is torn. My body is just blood and a living wound with mistreatment.

Such is the grief and pain of my soul that I feel and, it seems me, to see in it the desperation of a creature. By grace and great mercy of the Lord I'm not desperate, I feel the effect of despair, but I am calm and serene, thirsty for more pain, thirsty for more purification and more love.

Only with this will the world be saved, only with these strong chains will I be able to hold it.

Blood flows, life is escaping; it flees to give life, it is going crazy to save the world.

My Jesus, give me the pain that I love so much, give me the purification I so much desire. Keep me in Your heart, and in the heart of your, and my, dear Heavenly Mother. Hear my soul crying in continual agony with the pain it feels and with longing to deliver the world to Thee. I wanted to see the world in my hands, to give unto You as the priest sees the Sacred Host in his hands and offers it to the Eternal Father.

Jesus, look at me, look at my agonizing cravings to love You, and humanity, and immolate me as you please. I wanted to tell You so many things, but as I know nothing, I can say nothing.

In the midst of these anxieties Jesus came:

– My daughter, Earth Angel, sweet flower, white flower of Paradise: come, my daughter, to receive further proof of my espousal with you, my marital union.

At this moment Jesus took my hand, kissed me and caressed me and hugged me gently to Him. It was as if I was swimming in a sea of ​​joy, in a sea of ​​love. Jesus continued:

– Receive the effusion of my divine love, embrace it because it's your life and you are the life of souls.

Courage my daughter, just a little while longer, your heaven is at hand, it is very near now. Soon your soul, detached from the earth, will fly to heaven as the pure, white dove flies to its nest. Your nest is heaven before the throne of the Divine Majesty, beside my blessed Mother.

The queen of the earth Flies to her celestial spouse, she flies to be near the King of Heaven.

It is close to my side, my daughter, that you're going to continue to watch, to rule your kingdom on earth. The heir of your crown does not remain in it, nor the heir of your reign. To you I have given the sovereignty of the world, from Heaven you will govern it. How much the world owes you for what you have done for it, for I have kept it in the very rich vault of your heart!

You are a sea of pain, you are a sea of love. You are transformed into the infinite, you have infinite power over souls. How much humanity owes you, how much Portugal owes you!

The world should be destroyed. It was to avoid greater evils that I allowed the present evils.

Ask, ask again for much of prayer and penance. Courage, my dear gardener, tender of the heavenly garden, divine harvester. Sow, reap for Jesus. Sow grace, sow purity, sow love.

Love is the most beautiful flower. Who loves is pure, she does not offend her beloved. Who loves suffers for love.

O beloved daughter, your pain has been the salvation of souls, guide and support of sinners.

Listen, little daughter, listen to the angels singing My praises and a Te Deum of thanksgiving for the victim whom I chose, for the redeemer I gave to the world.

All heaven sees the glory you gave me, All heaven sees the value of your pain.

Hear, hear the heavenly voices. This praise is to end the year. This praise is given in your name and on behalf of those suffering with you, who care for you and for my divine cause.

Give my divine thanks to all.

Look what I tell you on this last Friday of the year; the last time I told you to renew your crucifixion: you were not mislead, you are never misled. Cheer up, have the courage to fight.

Before your death all my divine promises will be fulfilled. The husband who loves his wife does not deceive her nor allow her to be deceived.

When Jesus told me to listen, I heard the heavenly voices of angels, harmonious voices taking souls to heaven. Only a soul could hear them, only a soul could enjoy them. Jesus told me:

– It is in this rapture, in an ecstasy of love that has endured pain that you will fly to heaven.

– Thanks, Jesus; bless this poor soul who, so miserable and so little, disappears at the sight of your greatness. Give me strength, give me love.


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