Alexandrina de Balasar

SENTIMENTS OF THE SOUL

December 31

Almost every day, now from this side, now from the other, come thorns, sometimes quite sharp, to pierce my heart. I always receive them with joy, but at a cost. Jesus sends them. They are welcome because they are favours from the Lord. They are gifts that hurt! I, also, to my sorrow, have thrust much more painful thorns on Jesus. He is innocent and I'm not. These thoughts inspire me, they give me the courage to embrace, for love, everything that comes from Jesus.

What a painful life I have! My God, how varied are the sufferings that You have given me!

I spend hours of the day and night in painful anxiety, guarding the world. Jesus has now rearranged these anxieties.

Sometimes I want to guard the world, but it as if I was obliged to. I don’t know why. I don’t know what is. I want to hold it, and I do not know where the strength to do it comes from. It's not from me. Something compels me. It seems to me to be a love which forces itself to secure it. At the same time I do it with reluctance; it seems to me that it was worthy of oblivion and contempt.

At other times I am so sorry to feel such disgust and annoyance for the world that a living desires to conquer and possess it is fostered in me, I experience so much love for it that I am reminded of the father whose son fled and, when he returned home, the father hugged him and covered him with caresses instead of punishing him. I, crazy with joy to want to embrace all mankind, exclaim, O world, I'm crazy about you, O how I want you, how I love you! I see Jesus in you.

So many things I wanted to say about  these cravings which consume me. How can this be, to love the world, upset the world, to want to possess it, even if I want to leave it?

— Oh my God, O my Jesus, keep me in Your eye, sustain me so that I may conquer.

During the night I was assaulted, but assulted with great torment. Already during the afternoon my soul felt that the demon was surrounding me. From far away I heard his threatening words. Then he came, I don’t know at what time or how long it took. I know it was a lengthy period. He invited all hell to come to torment me. He told me things that are ugly, ugly and hideous.

During the struggle I went through various abysses, some more wide, some more deep. But despite the great ugliness still some rays of light shone through. The last was the most terrifying: black ghosts surrounded me. There were so many, so many demons, blacker than coal, in various forms and with such ugly faces. And I was about to fall in with them. I seemed to lose my life. My heart beat painfully. My body was bathed with sweat. The cursed one accused me of sin and said that I liked to sin. It was a terrible time. My God, so much danger! Through my lips words went out buzzing like a raging storm. I was saying those things. How furious is the rage of the cursed one! I heard the gnashing of teeth and the desire to tear me to pieces. Only then I repeated:

O Jesus, O Mother, O Mother, help me, I am your victim, I am your slave.
Then I heard Jesus:

— Perform, O Heaven’s angel, the mission I entrusted to you. Take in your hands my dear spouse, my angel in the flesh, take it, accept it.

You didn´t sin, my daughter, be assured, you didn’t sin. They are high the judgments of God. I chose you to make reparation for all sins. If it was not for your reparation, how many souls would be lost!

Those who fell into this last abyss would never get out of it. They are those who prefer sin to God: they sin with full malice, with full knowledge. They want pleasure rather than to possess God. This is why you did not want the rosary in your hands.

By chance, when the fight began, I had the Heavenly Mother’s rosary in my hands. During the fight I did not want it, I put it away. Jesus continued:

— The abysses that still had light are those souls who sin by weakness, but they fear the sin, they want to conquer themselves. In you it is love that conquers, your intense love for them. You didn’t sin, be of good heart, my beautiful dove!

After this, I was already secure. I trusted in the Lord, but I was very pained at what had happened. The cause of my suffering is always the fear of sin.

As soon as I could, very early, I began my morning prayers. I felt that Jesus could not hear my words. I pronounced them badly; soon they died.

I saw all the sufferings of the year, but they didn´t belong to me, neither did my prayers belong to me; if they belonged, they were stillborn, dead. I was finishing the year without anything to give Jesus. I began to see the depth of my misery, my nothingness!

I remembered my spiritual father, imprisoned, and suffering so much because of me! I thought of all the lights that had been taken from me, lights which I much needed to guide me and to take me closer to Jesus. I thought of my doctor and my loved ones who have given me so much care and affection and love. And here is me with nothing to give, and so miserable! I could not resist. I began to cry.

O my Jesus, oh, so much care and so many opportunities lost because of me! Oh, what I am and whom they think they do these things for? Recompense them, my God, fill them with Yourself, with your love.

It was a day full of bitterness. I received some gifts that gave me joy. When the soul was beginning to feel the joy, to taste it, Jesus came severed my senses from it. Let Thy will be done, O my love, for Your love.

At midnight I thanked Jesus for all the benefits received during the year and everything that had made me suffer. I asked them to pray a Te Deum with me in thanksgiving. When it finished, I added:

Thanks for everything, my Jesus, for all the pain and all the joy. Forgive my ingratitude toward You. What awaits me now in the New Year? Send me what you like, Jesus, because I accept everything, but don’t deprive me of the grace I need. And give me all Your love.