SENTIMENTS OF THE SOUL
Almost every day, now from this side, now from the other, come
thorns, sometimes quite sharp, to pierce my heart. I always receive
them with joy, but at a cost. Jesus sends them. They are welcome
because they are favours from the Lord. They are gifts that hurt! I,
also, to my sorrow, have thrust much more painful thorns on Jesus.
He is innocent and I'm not. These thoughts inspire me, they give me
the courage to embrace, for love, everything that comes from Jesus.
a painful life I have! My God, how varied are the sufferings that
You have given me!
spend hours of the day and night in painful anxiety, guarding the
world. Jesus has now rearranged these anxieties.
Sometimes I want to guard the world, but it as if I was obliged to.
I donít know why. I donít know what is. I want to hold it, and I do
not know where the strength to do it comes from. It's not from me.
Something compels me. It seems to me to be a love which forces
itself to secure it. At the same time I do it with reluctance; it
seems to me that it was worthy of oblivion and contempt.
other times I am so sorry to feel such disgust and annoyance for the
world that a living desires to conquer and possess it is fostered in
me, I experience so much love for it that I am reminded of the
father whose son fled and, when he returned home, the father hugged
him and covered him with caresses instead of punishing him. I, crazy
with joy to want to embrace all mankind, exclaim, O world, I'm crazy
about you, O how I want you, how I love you! I
see Jesus in you.
many things I wanted to say about these cravings which consume me.
How can this be, to love the world, upset the world, to want to
possess it, even if I want to leave it?
my God, O my Jesus, keep me in Your eye, sustain me so that I may
During the night I was assaulted, but assulted with great torment.
Already during the afternoon my soul felt that the demon was
surrounding me. From far away I heard his threatening words. Then he
came, I donít know at what time or how long it took. I know it was a
lengthy period. He invited all hell to come to torment me. He told
me things that are ugly, ugly and hideous.
During the struggle I went through various abysses, some more wide,
some more deep. But despite the great ugliness still some rays of
light shone through. The last was the most terrifying: black ghosts
surrounded me. There were so many, so many demons, blacker than
coal, in various forms and with such ugly faces. And I was about to
fall in with them. I seemed to lose my life. My heart beat
painfully. My body was bathed with sweat. The cursed one accused me
of sin and said that I liked to sin. It was a terrible time. My God,
so much danger! Through my lips words went out buzzing like a raging
storm. I was saying those things. How furious is the rage of the
cursed one! I heard the gnashing of teeth and the desire to tear me
to pieces. Only then I repeated:
Jesus, O Mother, O Mother, help me, I am your victim, I am your
Then I heard Jesus:
ó Perform, O Heavenís angel, the mission I entrusted to you. Take in
your hands my dear spouse, my angel in the flesh, take it, accept
didnīt sin, my daughter, be assured, you didnít sin. They are high
the judgments of God. I chose you to make reparation for all sins.
If it was not for your reparation, how many souls would be lost!
Those who fell into this last abyss would never get out of it. They
are those who prefer sin to God: they sin with full malice, with
full knowledge. They want pleasure rather than to possess God. This
is why you did not want the rosary in your hands.
chance, when the fight began, I had the Heavenly Motherís rosary in
my hands. During the fight I did not want it, I put it away. Jesus
ó The abysses that still had light are those souls who sin by
weakness, but they fear the sin, they want to conquer themselves. In
you it is love that conquers, your intense love for them. You didnít
sin, be of good heart, my beautiful dove!
After this, I was already secure. I trusted in the Lord, but I was
very pained at what had happened. The cause of my suffering is
always the fear of sin.
soon as I could, very early, I began my morning prayers. I felt that
Jesus could not hear my words. I pronounced them badly; soon they
saw all the sufferings of the year, but they didnīt belong to me,
neither did my prayers belong to me; if they belonged, they were
stillborn, dead. I was finishing the year without anything to give
Jesus. I began to see the depth of my misery, my nothingness!
remembered my spiritual father, imprisoned, and suffering so much
because of me! I thought of all the lights that had been taken from
me, lights which I much needed to guide me and to take me closer to
Jesus. I thought of my doctor and my loved ones who have given me so
much care and affection and love. And here is me with nothing to
give, and so miserable! I could not resist. I began to cry.
Jesus, oh, so much care and so many opportunities lost because of
me! Oh, what I am and whom they think they do these things for?
Recompense them, my God, fill them with Yourself, with your love.
was a day full of bitterness. I received some gifts that gave me
joy. When the soul was beginning to feel the joy, to taste it, Jesus
came severed my senses from it. Let Thy will be done, O my love, for
midnight I thanked Jesus for all the benefits received during the
year and everything that had made me suffer. I asked them to pray a Te
Deum with me in thanksgiving. When it finished, I added:
Thanks for everything, my Jesus, for all the pain and all the joy.
Forgive my ingratitude toward You. What awaits me now in the New
Year? Send me what you like, Jesus, because I accept everything, but
donít deprive me of the grace I need. And give me all Your love.