After the half hour of relief granted on August 12, I returned to my
state of bitterness. The day of the Heavenly Mother
and when I remembered that day, and the joy that there was in
heaven, I had no desire to resist the pains of this earth. Then came
the moment of Communion. A few minutes after receiving Jesus, I felt
there was a robbery underway within me. It seemed to me that it was
Jesus, like a thief, entering and leaving quickly taking with Him
this little life that gives life to my pain. I felt that I was dead,
but I continued to suffer more by feeling that I was without that
little life that was the life of my pain. I felt I was missing
everything, and as if I was dissected, cut in half, having my body
here, and there at the top, in Heaven, that part of myself that had
been spirited away. That part was immersed in complete joy, without
the actual sight of God, and without giving any relief to the part
that was on earth; on the contrary, that part was crushed it into an
abyss of endless pain.
I spent all day in a painful longing to have again that part of
myself that belonged to me and without which I was a corpse. It was
a day that seemed to have no end: I spent it in a continual cry to
Jesus and the Heavenly Mother and asking myself: "Oh my God, without
life how can I live?"
On the evening of that day, I heard again the harmonies of the 12th
and it was like a balm for my pain, without which I believe I would
not have lasted here many hours.
night, I do not remember the time, what had been taken was returned.
I knew it was so because I felt myself reviving.
continue to suffer with a bitter pain that I cannot explain.
cannot contain the cravings I have for
my spiritual Father to return to take over the spiritual
direction of my soul once more. I do not know why I have both
apprehension and a fear for him.
my God, what painful torment! The life of my pain disappears and he
does not give it back to me. The same is true of the doctor, to whom
I owe a great debt: I want to see him near me always, yet I am
continually frightened for him and for the people I love dearly. I
feel myself alone, completely alone, for me there are no friends on
storm continues, these are the feelings of my soul. And me, alone, O
my God, only You can save me. But, alas, poor me! I think that even
You have forsaken me. My shout of help does not reach the ears of
any person. What more will come, my God?
caste my eyes through the window of my room ... The sky was
darkened. I looked at the clouds. I admired the greatness of the
Creator. The clouds folded and between them appeared the blue of the
sky. I could not resist such longing. I wanted to fly there, but
what a distance between me and the heavens! I cried, I cried many
tears. I then recalled: if it were not for You, Lord Jesus, and for
souls, I would not subject myself to the judgments of men. I would
rather enjoy the world. These thoughts infused in me an even greater
desire to love Jesus and to possess Him and to give myself fully to
Him and to souls.
days were approaching when I would not receive Jesus. My God, how am
I supposed to do without You? O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, save me,
save me. I cannot live without Jesus.
Jesus veiled, the Heavenly Mother took pity on my pain.
Without leaving me any day without receiving Him, he sent me a
Reverend Salesian Father (Umberto Pasquale) who, for a few
days, endeavored to enlighten and calm my soul. I realized that,
despite my great sorrow, he understood me; that gave me courage and
comfort. After he heard my confession, I felt a joy and sweetness in
my soul, and, aided I do not know by whom, I sang songs to Jesus and
to the Heavenly Mother, and then I returned to my cravings, to the
same pain, even to martyrdom. Besides this, during these days I had
two other brief respites, brought at different times to my soul
through the touches and harmonies of Heaven. From yesterday to
today, it cost me much to pass the night. It never passed, the day
never came. I was in a great terror and very afraid of everything
and everyone. At one point I felt that the sea fell upon me,
entrapping between it and the earth. After receiving my Jesus, I was
in the same dryness, in the same darkness, despite the new union of
souls. But, in so much weakness, I did not have the courage to look
up to the Heavenly Mother to tell Jesus that I love Him. The
greetings that I sent to the Heavenly Mother did not seem to be
mine, just as my sufferings did not seem to be mine.
September (no date)
Jesus had promised, without stipulating the day or the hour, I found
myself on the night of (...) before a huge crowd of people - men and
women of different ages. I felt, I do not know how, that in the
crowd there were priests. At one point the crowd opened and there
appeared between the space of the two wings a priest whom I knew,
because he was already in my house. His presence scared me, really
scared me, and I exclaimed to myself, "I know you" - and then the
people disappeared. I didn’t catch the meaning of this vision then,
a few days later, Jesus appeared to me. It was night. I’ll never
forget the form in which He was then. He came like a beggar. My soul
felt Him shivering cold, all wet, in very ragged clothes. He asked
me to let Him hide in my heart to unburden himself to me.
— Oh my daughter, that number of souls that I showed you, including
the priest, are at a great risk of being lost. How awful, my
daughter, what crimes they commit!
made me feel the malice with which they sinned, especially in
impurity ... And He told me after that they practiced the crime of
killing innocent children. He continued:
— They kill the life of my souls!
offered myself to our Lord for them all until I got Him to promise
Heaven to that one I knew, and for those others who, more than once,
God has threatened with hell.
This afternoon, Jesus promised me relief. I got up, at about five
o'clock, from my cross, and all the pain disappeared. I dressed
myself and went for a walk to the room and, from the window I love,
I made a visit to my Jesus in the tabernacle. After an hour,
affected by the usual pains, I went to bed. At night I was granted
another period of relief in which I was sitting on the edge of the
bed. I took advantage of it to sing praises to Jesus and my Heavenly
Mother until, after I had been taken up and embraced by Her, I was
fastened again to my cross.