Alexandrina de Balasar



— 27 —

August 15

After the half hour of relief granted on August 12, I returned to my state of bitterness. The day of the Heavenly Mother dawned and when I remembered that day, and the joy that there was in heaven, I had no desire to resist the pains of this earth. Then came the moment of Communion. A few minutes after receiving Jesus, I felt there was a robbery underway within me. It seemed to me that it was Jesus, like a thief, entering and leaving quickly taking with Him this little life that gives life to my pain. I felt that I was dead, but I continued to suffer more by feeling that I was without that little life that was the life of my pain. I felt I was missing everything, and as if I was dissected, cut in half, having my body here, and there at the top, in Heaven, that part of myself that had been spirited away. That part was immersed in complete joy, without the actual sight of God, and without giving any relief to the part that was on earth; on the contrary, that part was crushed it into an abyss of endless pain.

I spent all day in a painful longing to have again that part of myself that belonged to me and without which I was a corpse. It was a day that seemed to have no end: I spent it in a continual cry to Jesus and the Heavenly Mother and asking myself: "Oh my God, without life how can I live?"

On the evening of that day, I heard again the harmonies of the 12th and it was like a balm for my pain, without which I believe I would not have lasted here many hours.

At night, I do not remember the time, what had been taken was returned. I knew it was so because I felt myself reviving.

September 8

I continue to suffer with a bitter pain that I cannot explain.

I cannot contain the cravings I have for my spiritual Father to return to take over the spiritual direction of my soul once more. I do not know why I have both apprehension and a fear for him.

Oh, my God, what painful torment! The life of my pain disappears and he does not give it back to me. The same is true of the doctor, to whom I owe a great debt: I want to see him near me always, yet I am continually frightened for him and for the people I love dearly. I feel myself alone, completely alone, for me there are no friends on earth.

The storm continues, these are the feelings of my soul. And me, alone, O my God, only You can save me.  But, alas, poor me! I think that even You have forsaken me. My shout of help does not reach the ears of any person. What more will come, my God?

I caste my eyes through the window of my room ... The sky was darkened. I looked at the clouds. I admired the greatness of the Creator. The clouds folded and between them appeared the blue of the sky. I could not resist such longing. I wanted to fly there, but what a distance between me and the heavens! I cried, I cried many tears. I then recalled: if it were not for You, Lord Jesus, and for souls, I would not subject myself to the judgments of men. I would rather enjoy the world. These thoughts infused in me an even greater desire to love Jesus and to possess Him and to give myself fully to Him and to souls.

The days were approaching when I would not receive Jesus. My God, how am I supposed to do without You? O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, save me, save me. I cannot live without Jesus.

Jesus veiled, the Heavenly Mother took pity on my pain.

Without leaving me any day without receiving Him, he sent me a Reverend Salesian Father (Umberto Pasquale) who, for a few days, endeavored to enlighten and calm my soul. I realized that, despite my great sorrow, he understood me; that gave me courage and comfort. After he heard my confession, I felt a joy and sweetness in my soul, and, aided I do not know by whom, I sang songs to Jesus and to the Heavenly Mother, and then I returned to my cravings, to the same pain, even to martyrdom. Besides this, during these days I had two other brief respites, brought at different times to my soul through the touches and harmonies of Heaven. From yesterday to today, it cost me much to pass the night. It never passed, the day never came. I was in a great terror and very afraid of everything and everyone. At one point I felt that the sea fell upon me, entrapping between it and the earth. After receiving my Jesus, I was in the same dryness, in the same darkness, despite the new union of souls. But, in so much weakness, I did not have the courage to look up to the Heavenly Mother to tell Jesus that I love Him. The greetings that I sent to the Heavenly Mother did not seem to be mine, just as my sufferings did not seem to be mine.

September (no date)

As Jesus had promised, without stipulating the day or the hour, I found myself on the night of (...) before a huge crowd of people - men and women of different ages. I felt, I do not know how, that in the crowd there were priests. At one point the crowd opened and there appeared between the space of the two wings a priest whom I knew, because he was already in my house. His presence scared me, really scared me, and I exclaimed to myself, "I know you" - and then the people disappeared. I didn’t catch the meaning of this vision then, a few days later, Jesus appeared to me. It was night. I’ll never forget the form in which He was then. He came like a beggar. My soul felt Him shivering cold, all wet, in very ragged clothes. He asked me to let Him hide in my heart to unburden himself to me.

— Oh my daughter, that number of souls that I showed you, including the priest, are at a great risk of being lost. How awful, my daughter, what crimes they commit!

He made me feel the malice with which they sinned, especially in impurity ... And He told me after that they practiced the crime of killing innocent children. He continued:

— They kill the life of my souls!

I offered myself to our Lord for them all until I got Him to promise Heaven to that one I knew, and for those others who, more than once, God has threatened with hell.

This afternoon, Jesus promised me relief. I got up, at about five o'clock, from my cross, and all the pain disappeared. I dressed myself and went for a walk to the room and, from the window I love, I made a visit to my Jesus in the tabernacle. After an hour, affected by the usual pains, I went to bed. At night I was granted another period of relief in which I was sitting on the edge of the bed. I took advantage of it to sing praises to Jesus and my Heavenly Mother until, after I had been taken up and embraced by Her, I was fastened again to my cross.


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