FEBRUARY 13

What can I tell about my pain? Words would be nothing in comparison with what I feel.

Oh my God, what days so full of pain, sorrow and bitterness! Oh, how much I had to offer to Jesus! Oh, if I only knew how to offer Him everything that hurt my heart, my body and my soul!

Poor me, I cannot speak to my Beloved, my everything.

Oh, how I would like these days to be as full of love for Jesus, as they have been filled with great martyrdom! What misery is mine, I do not know how to love Him. I feel that He is my madness, in all and above all; I feel that everything I do is for Him and because of Him. I feel all the love that I dedicate to all who are dear to me is nothing compared with that which I desire to love my Jesus with. But I get no consolation from this. I have no pleasure in anything I suffer, and offer Him; nothing is mine. I see nothing in myself but the greatest horrors of misery.

O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, as I have nothing more to offer Thee, accept this, my misery, and make it serve as an honor and comfort for Thee and a benefit for souls.

I go crazily around the world, in an incessant weariness, taking with me strong chains. I want to surround the world, to hold it in these chains. I want the whole world in a small parcel and in the midst of it, Jesus and the Heavenly Mother.

O my God, if I could not leave any soul out of this parcel, if the fire of Jesus and the Heavenly Mother ignited all the hearts in this small parcel, how I would bless all my sufferings for eternity! Rain continues to fall on mankind.

Jesus, Jesus, grant that it be love’s rain, salvation’s rain. I say nothing about what happens in my soul, I say nothing of the aspirations that feel.

If only I could leave the imprisoned world and go to Limbo to baptize the souls there! And only if, afterwards, I could go to Hell to take those that are there for You!

My God, I do not know what I will do. Jesus, You have to endure my pain. Behold my heart and my soul are rent continuously with this bitterness. It's for You, is for souls.

Jesus told me that the devil would come some nights with two attacks and the first night he did not fail: they have been painful. They tormented me so much and for so long! I saw Hell and a rain of souls falling into it. And so many demons I could not count them.

The demons told me such ugly things, one of them was that he was the lord of everyone. Sitting on a bench of delights, as he called it, he used the most malicious and ugly words.

I wanted so much to appeal to Heaven and only managed to do it later. He promised that he would take me to pleasure, to sin, to offend against God. The first attack I offered to Jesus in honor of His holy shoulder wound and in reparation for a particular priest, as Jesus had asked. When I told Jesus that it was for the priest, then it was that the devil raged against me. I felt pain, mortal pain, as I have already explained. Unable to endure it I said:

I die, I die, Jesus. If I die, I die happy, I die victim of your love, I die a victim for that soul.

Having said that, a breeze wafted me onto my pillow. Hours later, I offered the second attack in honor of the five wounds of Jesus by one of the other souls. When, in an unspeakable weariness, it seemed as if I was without life, I heard Jesus say:

- Blessed Angel, soften the pain of my dear spouse, put her in a comfortable position. You are, with my authority, her heavenly nurse.

I was released from Satan’s arts and remained restfully on my pillow. I felt no hands, but a sweet delight, a gentle freshness.

I was in so much bitterness, in the deepest sorrow. If there was a place where I could hide myself from Jesus, I would have flown there. Oh my God, what a shame! And when Jesus came for me to receive Him! ... I longed for His coming, but wanted to run away and disappear from Him, I was not worthy to receive Him into my heart.

Already I have offered three more attacks to Jesus, because I only offer Him the most painful. The evil one appeared to me in the form of animals and unknown beasts! It was awful to see them before me. One, crocodile-shaped, only taller than them, was a few meters long. And Hell with its hideous huts was so ugly! And the fire, so dark and so tormenting. Among it were raised so many horns of demons. He told me such ugly things. What shame I endured to hear them, and what a fear of the hearing. At the height of my distress, I cried for Jesus, because the tormenting pain was taking my life. I die, I die, Jesus, and I do not want to sin.

My heart groaned thunderously, only death could cause so much suffering. At my cry of agony, Jesus came.

- You do not sin, you will not die, my beloved spouse. The death that you feel is not true death; your death gives life, a life of purity, a life love life. If you knew the value of this reparation! ... Arise, take up your place, I am your Jesus, I'm able to do this, just as I had power to raise the dead and let them walk.

Already on my pillow, He pressed me to His Divine Heart, caressed me and kissed me.

- If the world knew, my daughter, what the life of divine love is!

That said, I felt alone, comforted, yes, and only longing to console my Jesus. But soon I was immersed in an immense sea of pain. Occasionally receiving thorns that came to surround my heart, and continually being crushed by grief and humiliation.

I hoped to receive a little joy, not because of myself, but to see my dear ones glad. Jesus didn’t allow it. He took the occasion of this joy, this little consolation that I wanted to feel. Seeing that Jesus took everything from me, I had no other words but to repeat many times:

Blessed be the Lord, His holy will be done. O my Jesus, accept the consolation and joy that I could have felt, be it comfort and joy for You. Accept the joy and rejoicing that I could have  had among those who are dear to me. Be it for the salvation of souls.

 Yesterday, after three hours or so I spent talking about the things of Jesus with a soul separated from Him for many years and who I knew had never been to church, I was bathed in sweat and tired, unable to move my lips to say a word. But my effort was not without reward. Jesus allowed me a while to feel joy in my heart. That soul gave me signs of repentance and promised me to try to change his life. I think that within a few short days, he will be snatched from the clutches of Satan.

Oh, if I saw in such dispositions all those which are alienated from Jesus! I want to suffer, I want to suffer, I want to save them. I love them, they are of Jesus.