Alexandrina de Balasar


7 —


The ‘Sentiments of the Soul’ dictated by Beata Alexandrina on 21/6/46 clearly develop two separate themes: here we will concentrate the second.

In ‘Jesus Christ in Alexandrina’, Fr Umberto used the third person when writing about an event narrated in those ‘Sentiments’: "Fr Umberto was distressed because some people considered Alexandrina’s ecstasies, which started punctually at 3pm on Fridays, to be the result of auto-suggestion. He wanted to defend her from such accusations, so he tested her with a command beforehand”. The command was that the Beata was to ask Jesus not to talk again to her… She didn’t understand what had been imposed, but she wanted to obey. Would it be wrong of her to make such a strange request of Jesus? And she was to suggest that He was no longer to make her relive the tragedy of Calvary…


I was ordered to tell Jesus to go away, not to talk again to me. I did not understand well, I did not know if this was to be all the time or only on Fridays. The order gave rise to doubt and more sufferings. I obeyed promptly, but if I had wanted, and it was up to me, I would not have because I did not have here was not much time to talk with Jesus; then I would never have had any at all. I asked Him on Wednesday and asked Him yesterday, the day of the God’s Body and Blood, more than once:

My Jesus, I have been ordered to tell You to go away and not to talk to me again; I do not know if it is only on Fridays or forever. But You, who know everything, know what I was told to do. Obey, my Jesus, obey: I am always your victim.

However hard I tried to suppress and forget the feelings of Gethsemane, I was not able. I was like a twig, a green stick that could be twisted from one side to the other; it was the sufferings of the agony of the soul that did it. In other moments, my heart was stabbed with such violence that there was barely time to remove the dagger before it was plunged into my soul again. And my soul cried so abundantly, as if it had eyes. I felt that my heart was like the world, but harder than rock. My soul cried and called unceasingly to the Father. This shouting and these tears continued today on the way to Calvary. And what torment was mine! I would expel all the feelings from my soul, I wished not to think of the cross nor of Calvary, and the effort that this took was such that it seemed that I was walking to distant lands.

Jesus, I do not want these feelings; see if You remember what I was ordered to tell You.

The more I tried to disguise and forget, the more alive were the feelings. And in the depths of my heart an aching voice said to me:

— There is no pain equal to my pain.

And still I felt myself ruthlessly dragged by strong ropes to a great distance while my face was being battered against the stones. And so the cry of my soul was more painful. If on the one hand I felt relief, reminding myself that Jesus wouldn’t speak to me again, I was nonetheless tortured by the fear that He would still come.

My God, if I could flee from Jesus and hide myself from Him! But, oh, what sad agony! New sentiments of soul: the sacred head of Jesus rested on my chest, as if it were the cross; from His hair ran abundant drops of blood: it was a bloodbath for the earth. I heard Jesus calling me; I felt Him confining me. I tried to escape and made myself deaf to His divine voice. He knocked and knocked at my heart and called:

— My daughter, come here, come here, I am your Jesus.

— Jesus, Jesus, I won’t come. Go away, leave me in peace. Remember what I said to You. I want to obey. See how much I suffer, see the agony and pain of my heart.

Then a strong remorse took me by telling Jesus to leave me in peace. The dove of my heart that from time to time makes itself felt, extended its wings fully to cover my heart, and still remained, and capturing me with the many golden lassos which hang from it; it pulled me to Jesus, because I had been running from Him like a fugitive.

— My daughter, my daughter, come here, listen to what I say to you.

Your pain is used to save souls. It is the divine Holy Spirit that binds you to Me with its ray of love, and with the same love for you it attracts Me. Fill yourself with its fire and divine love so that you may pass it on to souls.

Listen, my daughter: you have already obeyed. Your obedience made you grow much, much more in virtue and it increased more, much more my glory.

I also obey, but I don’t obey now. In my infinite wisdom, I see that I should not obey now. I will obey, I will stop talking to you, as I promised you, but when it happens, I will prepare you. What I am going to do will reduce the time of my colloquies.

My heart burnt within me as if it harboured flames of living fire, but in my boldness for Jesus I was not quiet.

Forgive me, Jesus, are You sad because I said that You left me in peace? I wasn’t thinking of what I said; forgive me, forgive me!

Jesus smiled lovingly and, bringing me closer to Him, said:

— It cheered Me, instead of saddening Me; your simplicity consoled Me, my daughter, angel of purity, angel of light, light that lights the world and illuminates it for Heaven. Suffer for souls, console my divine heart, give Me to them. Do not think that my ceasing to talk to you will reduce your suffering. Oh, no: your crucifixion continues until the last moment of your life.

— Yes, my Jesus, whatever You will, provided that You are with me.

Tell me, my love, I do not know whether or not I should write what You tell me. If I do so will I be disobeying the order they gave me? O my Jesus, dear me, if I must flee from You, I will just have to obey!

Jesus smiled again and said to me:

— You can not escape Me, only sin can separate Me from you, only sin can expel Me from your heart.

Go and dictate everything. I want nothing to be hidden, much less this. It is of great benefit for souls and glory for my divine cause.

I see everything. Do you know why I come on Fridays, at this time, to speak to you, the time at which I gave My Spirit to My Father? To renew my divine Passion in you and for you to remember it. And just as I opened heaven to souls, so you will lead them by the same path to Paradise.

The Calvary, the agony, is not of three hours, not of a few days, but of many years. Suffer gladly, go in peace, be quiet: you didn’t disobey, it was Me that called you; it was the Holy Spirit that seized you.

Thank you, my Jesus. Don’t fail me; make me faithful to You until death.



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