January 11

I still feel in my soul a strong and great betrayal; a black, cruel betrayal.

Will there be pitfalls prepared for me, my Jesus, or will the treachery be that which was prepared for You, and for all that You suffered for the love of Your children? O my God, help me, have pity on me, I can hardly breathe with my pain! Will it be today, because today is Thursday?

It will be a betrayal that brings death. I feel the martyrdom that awaits me, I feel that the cry of those who have pity on my pain is muffled by those who are contrary and rebellious against me.

Behold the handmaid of the Lord! Yes, Jesus, I am Your slave.

If I could pass from the hell of today to tomorrow, not to escape the pain, for but the conversations I have with Thee...

Forgive me, for who You are, Jesus. Forgive me for the pain of the beloved Mother. I'm so afraid of this life, this life which I feel is not mine!

Time passes, and eternity comes without my having taken a step towards heaven, without increasing in Your divine love!

Jesus, Jesus, the day didn’t dawn, I plunged myself into darkness forever, forever.

Comes a thorn, comes other thorn, I accept everything, I suffer in order to give You comfort, and give souls comfort, and I am always the same; always the same coldness, always the same misery, always the same death.

 It is pain that destroys the heart. I, without making known what I feel, offer my sacrifice to Jesus whispering quietly:

Buy souls with it, Jesus, buy souls with it.

Could this my pain be used for them?

Behold, Jesus it is only by pain that your divine love can conquer.

Oh my Jesus, I'm so ashamed before You! My misery is so great! I want to live in Your divine presence and I cannot. I'm ashamed, afraid, afraid of the creatures that are dearer to me, whom I love more. I'm afraid of all, and from all I live separated.

It is the war of the devil. O torment, O terrifying torment. What infernal rage! If it were possible for him to take away my life, how many would he have taken, if I possessed more than one. This morning he told me:

— You want to write and you have nothing to say. When you do this, you start to write about me so that you have something to say.

A thousand demons in a single sin with you. Give yourself to me as you give yourself to God, kiss me with love as you kiss the crucifix.

Look, I don’t act like Him; I don’t give you suffering. It’s clear that God doesn’t have a heaven to give to you.

Enjoy, enjoy the pleasures of the world with me!

And he doesn’t let me cry to heaven. He puts himself between me and Jesus, and dances in front of me so that Jesus won’t hear me. He gives me his criminal orders and, when I do not obey promptly, he rears  up and I feel like he has torn me to pieces and trampled on all the parts. My body seems to be crushed by him.

These are only illusions, because he does not get near enough to touch me. The heart palpitations do not correspond to each other, the blows make a great noise.

After the fights, I sometimes feel that a breeze blows that lift me up and put me back where I was. Tonight it was not so; I was sprawled beside the pillows and unable to rise or even move myself. I could no be in the position I had been. I was very sad and could  only repeated:

Help me, help me, Jesus.

I felt Him at my side.

— My daughter, beloved spouse, the lover of Love, spouse that doesn’t know nor want another love, another beloved. My divine breath is enough to lift you to heights, to transport you to your place.

I felt the breath of Jesus and, at the same instant, I was on my pillow. Jesus continued:

— Say, my daughter, what do you want from Me?

I replied:

— Your Love.

— What do you want me to do?

— Thy divine will.

Jesus drew me sweetly to His Divine Heart and added:

— My will is that you have courage in the suffering that I ask of you, and that you make reparation this way.

Reparation, make reparation, my pure virgin, my virgin crazy with love for me.

Shortly after, I fell into a short and light sleep. I saw St Joseph, I saw the Heavenly Mother with a baby in her arms clinging to her holy neck. She smiled joyfully at me. Behind her, and a little above was a very rich picture full of light. It contained two people in the middle and, above, a white dove. On the sides, were some little heads that looked to me to be angels. With this vision it seemed to me that I was not living on earth. O what will be like in heaven always, always seeing God!