Alexandrina de Balasar



ó 32 ó


26 October

During the night I had a violent fight with the devil. My God, so many ugly things, so many gestures and threats and calls for evil! I do not know what he put in my soul, I do not know the tricks of which he served; what seemed to me was that my soul had desires of sinning and that my lips uttered: I want to sin, I exchange the Heaven, I exchange Jesus for the pleasures, for the joys of the world. This were ticks of the devil; Jesus well knew that I did not want to sin.

Heavenly Mother, keep me, help me, offer me to Jesus as a victim. Tell Him I donít renounce the suffering, but that I renounce the sin. To sin, no; to love You, yes! To love Thee, to love Jesus! The damned in the midst of horrible things, invited me to kiss him. So I redoubled my forces and threw kisses to the Heavenly Mother and told Her:

ó Give them to Jesus and take them instead me to the tabernacles.

I tried to enter me as closely as possible and then to kiss the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, rich treasure that I possess. The devil retreated showing himself glad because he has taken me to the point he wanted and stated me I had sinned gravely. Despite my efforts not to offend My Jesus, I was sad and doubtful. Closely joined to the tabernacles, but embarrassed in front of Jesus, I wanted to believe in the words of who directs me, that I didnít sin, and it cost me to believe. It was four o'clock and I, very fainting, was preparing myself for the visit of Jesus. He did not wait that I received Him, came to console me before. He called me:

ó My daughter, come into my arms. Leave your cross, rest on Me, take comfort.

I felt that Jesus gave me off the cross, I saw it separated from me: it was big. And then I felt myself in the arms of Jesus, narrowed by Him to His divine Heart. Upon hearing that He told me:

ó Satisfy your hunger, quench your thirst, get my Blood that is your life, your food. I am in you as King in the palace of your heart. I come to you as a faithful and loving Husband. I come to you as Father full of sweetness, tenderness and compassion.

He took to my lips His divine Blood, gave me a drink for some time. Then I felt my heart and chest open, and fell in me a rain of blood. Jesus said:

ó Receive, it is the Blood of my veins.

Take courage, fill yourself with Me to carry your cross. If you knew the good that you are here doing to souls, you would die of wonder! Trust in the words of one who directs you. You donít offend Me; trust the positive words of thy Jesus, which are worthier than a swear. Trust, trust; you donít offend Me, I can not consent that you offend Me.
After saying that, He narrowed me again strong and sweet. Again I remained on the cross, feet and hands spiked and head well penetrated with sharp spines, tilted, firmly on the cross. Shortly thereafter, I received the Holy Communion: I didnít feel new relieves. I spent the day embraced to the cross. Oh, how many sad memories! How bitter and tortured soul! How many cravings for loving My Jesus! How many thoughts! I only wanted who taught me to love Him!

The rain of blood from above continues to fall over the cemetery, but it doesnít find ashes to clean: everything disappeared. Blessed be the love of Jesus, blessed be their inventions to save souls!

28 October

Today was a busy day; thorns, only spines penetrated my body from top to bottom; not one bit was spared.
 So many hardships! So much suffering! 

My Jesus, for Thy love. All what is for Thy love doesnít cost! 

I looked at the Sacred Heart of Jesus, I looked at Him crucified on the cross and I whispered while smiling to sufferings: blessed be the daily cross, blessed the pain of each moment.

The hours went by and with them went the pain and the anguish of my soul. Once while I was hurt by new moves. The Demon far away threatened me and tormented my imagination. I wanted to trust in Jesus and I couldnít, I wanted to trust the words of one who drives me and I couldnít, I wanted to trust myself, the feelings my soul, yet worse.

ó O my God, my God, in the midst of this I love Thee! I remained for a while with the eyes fixed on the Sacred Heart of Jesus. What thirst of loving Him!

It was already night, sharp swords hurt me; I practiced acts of humility not because I  understood that it was necessary to do them, but yes to give good example of teaching someone to be humble and to console Jesus and love Him even more. Overnight with the bleeding heart for pain I saw running from one side and from the other many little brooks of blood. On them flocks of countless pigeons landed drinking the blood and happy they beat their wings. The bitterness of my soul remained. The devil with his ugly words and actions tried to take me to the despair. I did acts of faith seeing if I resisted better. O bitterness, sad bitterness!

October 30 Ė Day of Christ the King

Early morning in the preparation for the Holy Communion I tried to console Jesus.
 I asked Heavenly Mother that offered Him my prayers and all things for His greater glory, so that He might reign and triumph worldwide in all hearts. I gave myself to Jesus through Mary. Jesus came into my heart. I returned to the same blood brooks: so many, so many flocks of happy pigeons, satisfied, drinking, rising up here and landed there. The blood flowed and I do not know where from. The vision finished and I didnít know what it meant, but it didnít worry me. The agony of my soul would not let me think about anything like that. 

I pretended in the middle of my family that I was delighted, so that I could see in all peace and joy. I was visited by many people.  Weird questions, unpleasant things: made me suffer too much.

O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, all for your love; give me courage to smile at all without making known my pain. I felt so nothing, a nothing that never existed. I felt dead and dead all mankind, but it was such death that it never had life. O my God, what is to become of me, what painful torment! By the middle of the carnage appeared almost unbearable cravings to love Jesus, to love without feeling, to love without knowing love.

Night arrived. Dire threats of the devil tormented me and filled me with fear and dread. My Jesus, I want only what ye will, I'm ready for everything, do not leave me to offend Thee.

The devil is liar, but this time did not lie. Yesterday with ugly words ordered me to prepare myself for the evening and did not miss. I do not know, but perhaps from 10 to 11 hours he came with all the fury and infernal malice. O my God, I can not think, oh what a horror! I fought, I fought for long. The great torment of my soul was to appear to me that he got that I said: I do not want Jesus, I did not want Mary, do not want the Heaven, I hate them, I turn them back, I want to be happy, I want to enjoy. I do not swear, but it seems to me that I said nothing of this. Only a far distance I could call on Jesus or the Heavenly Mother and to offer myself as victim and slave. Some times when it seemed to me to sin hopeless I pressed as I could in my hand the crucifix and the Heavenly Motherís medal and said to them: yes to love, not to sin. And such was the grief of my heart that I thought I was dying for space of a long time. The realization of the Jesusí promises came to thought and encouraged me. I want the Heaven, but I want a death of love, I donít want to die at the hands of Satan. I saw myself about a horrible abyss; from among its darkness it stood out very polished hooks riveted. Frightened because I seemed to fall inevitably into it, I swoon. The heart was strong in jerks and, distressed, made great noise: it seemed that death was imminent. Only with my mind I said: O my Jesus, if at least I did not sin I would not mind all this suffering. I was in this sad agony and prostration. The sin, the sin, what my concern! It took a while: a new vision of blood and flocks of doves. But this time Jesus spoke to me:

ó You donít sin, you donít sin, my daughter. Trust, my love, have courage. I demand from you this repair. Have you seen that abyss? With this suffering you avoid dropping in it many souls. The hooks that are in it are the prisons in which they become trapped forever. This blood is the blood of your pain, your martyrdom. The pigeons that in it drink are the souls that through you are saved; in it are washed and purified. Rejoice, dear, cheer up, sweetheart, you're mine, all mine. You donít sin, you love me, you repair my divine Heart. I love you, love you, my madness.

The night was early, some little sleep intervals, I wished to be closely united to Jesus, I strive for that, but I scarcely could. With a lantern that burned I fixed his divine Heart, and fixed at the Heavenly Motherís picture and the Child Jesus in Her arms, asked her love, grace and purity, I asked them all. Came the time to take the Communion: I was united with Jesus. Shortly after passed by my thinking the big fight of the night, I collapsed yet more. Indifferent to everything and from everything deduced, I felt there in the high that life that already belonged to me while the pain was fighting and crawling in the disgusting mud. 

From time to time the Holy Spirit beat the wings in my heart and instilled in it his beak as for feeding me and giving courage. I feel Him in me like a dove. 

It's already night. What does wait me in it? Jesus knows.


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