Alexandrina de Balasar



— 9 —

The Sentiments of the Soul are different from the letters, even those written to Fr Mariano Pinho. But in the Sentiments of the Soul we still have those issued before 1942 (Fr Pinho’s Notebooks) and those from 1942 until the arrival of Fr Umberto. It is mainly from the time of the arrival of this Salesian that they take their final form, which is the one familiar to those who read this Monthly Page. So today’s text is similar to that of last month; it is almost a letter to Jesus. But here we mainly have the passion, and prostration she was involved in; the departure of Fr Pinho is only mentioned in passing in the final extract.

February 20, 1942

Jesus, I come to meet You. Where are you? Why am I not able to find You? At least listen to my sorrows. If you fail me, I have nobody else. Did You see me this morning nailed on the cross in great agony, with my eyes raised to the Heaven which I felt, and saw, disappear without a smallest hope of seeing it return, or of my being able to enter it? What great sadness for me to see everything lost and without remedy!

After coming down from the cross, I began the ascent to Calvary. I was so weak as I went, so exhausted! I walked with my face almost on the ground; here and there I fell, I wounded myself painfully: I was bleeding. What fear, what a dreadful fear it was that to be constantly reminded that in a little while I would be crucified without help from any source on this earth! But your divine love helped me: You came to meet me.

- "My daughter, human strength fails you; have courage, divine strength will never fail you.

Calvary is the path of my elected ones, Calvary is the path of my spouses, Calvary is the path of my crucified ones. It is through Calvary that I grant forgiveness to sinners, it is through Calvary that I give love to hearts.

Courage, courage, my dear! Your Jesus, your Celestial Mother and your spiritual Father accompany you and help you in an intimate union!"

Thank you, my Jesus.

Enlivened by your sweet words I went to Gethsemane. I never met You there, but your divine power was victorious in me. I felt at the beginning that the uncouth soldiers in Gethsemane would arrest me. I felt that later Judas would come with venom on his lips. I felt in my body the kicks they would give me later, when they dragged me with ropes. I had in my heart your feelings when You saw before you all the sins and crimes of the world. If only, with all these sufferings, all souls were saved! But oh, how many are lost because they do not take advantage of my suffering! O Jesus, I felt my body was bathed in blood, with the clothing that clung to it and the clothing that dragged on the ground. But worse, much worse still, was the suffering of your delicate and divine body. In the flogging and crowning of thorns You always sheltered me. In the refuge and support of holy and pure love, I felt my soul to be inebriated and in quiet and peace I rested for some time.

Later our Heavenly Mother came to take me on Her lap, She bound me in Her arms and caressed me. During all this agony, I had to call for You and for Her many times. Frightened with grief, abandoned, and completely exhausted, I had no strength to walk. All the time I invoked Heaven, but in vain. The abandonment was total; that I should suffer alone on the cross had to be. In this painful agony a lance was thrust into my heart; it was necessary that I feel all that pain before expiring. Poor me, poor humanity that does not know how You suffered, Lord Jesus!

After the crucifixion, it seems that I continued to live alone. I was reminded of the withdrawal of my spiritual Father.

Another proof of your infinite love, my Jesus: You arranged it so that the Doctor not only took care of easing the pain of my body, but also that he eased the deep pain of my soul. You, Who know everything, used him to prepare my heart to receive the final coup.

Thank you, my Jesus, I do not know what else to say. Let me repeat with You: my soul is sorrowful even unto death. I lost the light, I lost everything.
Your blessing and your forgiveness, my love.


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