Alexandrina de Balasar




— 44 —

December 11

My soul waits for further trials, my heart for new attacks coming to wound it. I am full of fear. What is awaiting me! What more is to come, my Jesus? I am tired of so much suffering. The body is faint, but the will is ready; it sighs and wants nothing but Your divine will, Lord.

Yesterday I began to feel, and today I feel even more, what seems an almost unbearable craving to save the world. So great is the madness and love I feel for souls that I want to give all of myself for them. I want to sacrifice all and willingly let myself to be immolated to save them. I would like to have a dagger in my hand and to open so deep a wound in my heart with it as to give me enough blood to write all over the earth: “Repent, sinners, don’t offend Jesus anymore! Heaven is so beautiful! And He created it for you to go there”.

I wanted to go on my knees, or on crutches, to every corner of the world to leave these words, written by me and with my blood, prominently displayed. Not an inch of earth would be left without these letters: “Repent, repent, sinners”.

I do not know what else can I do, my Jesus, for Thee and for souls.

During the night I was assaulted by the tricks of the demon. I heard his desperate whistling, howling and gnashing of teeth. Then after that his gestures and ugly, malicious words. Great barriers, endless abysses opened up beside, and even under me. In the ugly pit were great snakes and huge crocodiles tormenting and terrorizing many beings therein which I took to be lost souls. Though I was exhausted by the struggle and thought that I would fall into the abyss, I was not able to call on Jesus. And the evil one told me:

- Call on me, tell me that you it is me that you want, that you do not want God, that you want to sin, that you want pleasure.

And he tried to instruct me in his ugly lessons. At the awful climax at the end of the battle, I was able to appeal to Heaven, to call for Jesus. He was already crying; I told Him “What is it, my Jesus?”, while the evil one who had taken the form of a lion said to me:

- You have sinned! Sinned!

Other things that happened which I need to speak about, but only in confession and at great cost.

My pain and tears seemed to me to be lasting, but they were not. In the same place where the abyss was, I saw a beautiful garden full of flowers. Lilies, white ones, and other varieties. How lovely, how charming! They emitted rays, many rays more brilliant than gold. I contemplated everything without knowing its meaning. At the same time Jesus told me:

- The flowers of this beautiful garden are your heroic virtues. Their petals are tender, thin, delicate, their scent is appealing. The rays are rays of my divine love.

Do not cry, dear, your purity is not tarnished in your fights with the devil. You become more pure, more enchanting. It is the reparation that I demand of you. If this reparation had not been made many souls would have fallen into the abyss where you saw so many souls just now, and they would stay there forever.

By failing to listen to Jesus, I saw the devil in the shape of a lion, the teeth bared, he was far off, but he attempted to devour and insult me at the same time. I didn’t cry and was at peace, that peace that only comes from Jesus. With his divine power, I didn’t fear the devil this time. Moved by compassion for souls who could fall into such tremendous depths, I accepted and suffered all that Jesus wanted. My tears were tears of pain, fearful that I might have sinned. After listening to Jesus, I rested, and I was at peace, thirsting for his love, eager to give Him souls. I do not want to be on earth except to love the One who is not loved and to save souls.

December 14

My body and my spirit are burning on a living grid, I do not know how to speak of my pain, the pain I feel without knowing what it, nor to whom it belongs. What consuming fire! It seems me that the pain will drive me crazy. I hear great noises in the distance, they remind me of an earthquake when it is heard without being felt. But my soul hears and feels. It was the storm that came and left so much damage that it will be long be remembered and spoken of. Far away, far away, there are comments, my name is spoken, filthy, like a leaf that rots in the mud that covers it. I am ashamed, my soul feels everything and collapses in pain.

— O my Jesus, I want these stains, this mud that drops on my name to wash the souls of sinners so that their sins by which they have offended Thee might disappear from them and they might be saved. I want the innocent to suffer and not the guilty, Jesus.

O Jesus, what is my life! I am ashamed of myself before men, I am ashamed of myself before You. By Your grace, I am the innocent victim of men, by my guilt and misery, of Thee, my Jesus, I am a guilty victim. I must suffer, I want to suffer because they offend Thee. Forgive me, forgive me, Jesus, save me, save me, only in You can I hope, only in you can I trust. I see now that I can get nothing from men. They steal everything from me, all human relief disappears like smoke, it goes its own way.

The world’s war and hell’s war overtook me. The devil appeared to me in the form of a big dog. I remembered dogs that pounce to bite without warning. He wanted to bite me, or rather, to devour me. Even when he isn’t attacking me violently, he is still tormenting me:

— You sin when you want. Today you have not sinned, nor do you sin now because you are tired.

Last night he came in force accompanied by many demons in the form of black skeletons. They set up benches and black beds in front of me. "They are benches and beds of delights," he said, while others, with them, entertained themselves. He told me very ugly things and it seemed to me that he forced me to repeat them.

— Don’t call on God…

And it seems to me that often I did not call, that I obeyed his orders. Again I returned to go through what I shall not say here. During the moments of greatest trance I know that I was like one dying, repeating many times in my mind: "Oh my God, my God, my God!"

Beneath me were that frightful chasm that I have already spoken of; and I was suspended without being secured to anything, fearing the moment when I would fall into it. At the voice of Jesus, the demons fled and the abyss disappeared. Jesus changed my position and told me:

— My daughter, on these cliffs are the souls; what prevents them from falling forever is your never before felt, never tried or seen before, reparation. Pain, immolation without equal. Tell me, my daughter, my dear little dove, tell me, confide in me: do you believe that you don’t offend Me?

— Oh, my Jesus, my Jesus, I believe, and believe, but it costs so much to convince me that I don’t sin, that I do not offend Thee in the midst of such great danger!

— Be content, be content, my angel, you give Me nothing but consolation, reparation and proof of the strength of your love for my Divine Heart.

I stayed for some time united to Jesus, full of pampering as the child next to his mother, sore only from the pain I had felt.

Now a new torment for my soul, a torment that makes me suffer and allows me no peace. I want to hide inside a safe, a safe that no one knows about, or can open. I want to hold my chest in an embrace that no one could undo. I want to store I don’t know what, that was entrusted to me and I which have to watch and conceal. I don’t know, my God, how to guard it, guard it well, to guard everything. I flee, Jesus, I flee to Thy Divine Heart: be the blessed safe that keeps me locked inside forever with this entrustment, that I must take such great care of. There I am well, there I am safe, I do not run into danger there, nor do I have to remain vigilant. Keep me, yes? Keep me forever.

It's Thursday, and already night. Great torment! O my God, every approaching Friday is death for me. I feel as though I am in joyful company talking to those who talk and smiling with those who smile. And then my soul in great agony leaves the earth, ascends to heaven only to exclaim “My God, my God, what awaits me!” Though this joyous encounter continues, beyond it the heart is crushed, beaten, mocked and scorned. Everyone smiles in derision, waiting for new developments. Jesus, I am Your victim and nothing more!


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