FEBRUARY 20

How awful, how extreme is the agony of my soul!

I wanted to hide my pain and not talk about it anymore; I wanted to smother it altogether. It seems to me that the heart cries with bitterness. Sometimes the hurt it experiences make the tears dance in my eyes.

I wanted to cover all up, it was enough that Jesus knew, but I could not; obedience forbade me. And now, slowly, I discover that I am drawing up from within something of what I suffer, of what I feel. I do not know if I find myself in a serious state of suffering or indeed, even if it is a reality. I feel that I am in the sunset of life. It seems that death is approaching me. I bow, I yield willingly to receive the blow that it pleases Jesus to give me. In my heart I feel in the separation from my loved ones. I am going to my Homeland, but I want to leave something among them to cheer and comfort them in their sorrow. I don’t belong here, I am going to my place where we will all soon see ourselves in that endless glory.

My God, my Jesus, what shall this be?

I want to leave, I have to leave and yet this separation cost me so much. The pain it causes me seems to rip the heart and with it all the veins of my body.

May all be for the love of my Jesus and the salvation of souls.

I feel that the world is in so much disarray, so much misery and sin! I want to put an end to all this and I cannot; I want to remedy all this evil but do not know how to; I have no more to give for it.

Ah, if there was someone who wanted to suffer for it, that could save it, what would I give to him?! My love, everything I owned; Heaven with all the glory, if it belonged to me.

Alas, I do not know whom to ask, and do not have anything to give. I feel the disgust people have for suffering and the cross. If there was someone who would willingly accept it, and I could take my cross and help others to carry theirs, that would be the greatest joy and consolation for my poor heart.

Sweet Jesus, see what I want to suffer for your divine love, and for love of souls, and accept the little I do, because I cannot do more.

To meet the requests of Jesus, I offered Him more attacks of the devil. For this purpose, I offer him what costs me the most. The lesser sufferings, are in reparation for all souls.

The demon appears to me in very diverse forms, so ugly, mountains of them, all mixed with each other. But it’s not that which makes me suffer so much. He torments me exceedingly when he says that I do not do certain things because they are too painful for me, that the fatigue and the weakness of my body inhibit me. This causes me more pain, makes my heart bleed more. He means that everything is done by me, because of my wickedness.

In the two strongest attacks, Jesus came to comfort me. After I heard the ugliest insults and most shameful words, after he used all the tricks to get me to sin and take pleasure, as he puts it, I was hanging over a frightening abyss.

What will become of me, my Jesus? Save me, save me! I repeated.

I felt Jesus at my side, He breathed His divine breath over me, a breath that suddenly propped me up as if on cushions. Jesus continued to console me by saying:

- Courage, my daughter, you have not sinned! It is to free souls from falling into this abyss, and lose themselves for ever, that you are on its edge.

Jesus' words encouraged me, but they did not remove the pain in which I am immersed.

In the second demon’s affront, he caused me anguish that he had not done as yet. It was a very lengthy combat. His gestures, words, names, suggestions were most shameful. I was tired of so much fighting, and the devil was furious at not getting what he wanted from me. I began then feel that the desire to sin, was a desire from the outside projecting inwards and not from the inside projecting out. Sometimes I said to Jesus: "No, no, I do not want to sin!" These words came from my heart, but the will to sin seemed to be stronger than the cry I raised to heaven.

Oh, agony; sad agony!

When it seemed to me that everything was accomplished, and the desires of the demon achieved, I screamed for Jesus and my heavenly Mother:

Alas, what is this?! Save me, save me!

I felt the unspeakable pain that I have already have felt so often.

My God, surely death does not cost so much! I was bathed in sweat, it seemed that I had just emerged from a lake. My heart beat loudly and hurriedly. In spirit, I offered everything to Jesus and never ceased to call for Him, because it was painful, the position which I was in, and the shame and pain I felt in the fear of having sinned. The demon didn’t leave my side, though at the voice of Jesus he withdrew.

- Enough, enough, evil one, let my victim alone. The victory is hers. The honor and the glory are mine. The reparation is for souls!

Suffer for love, my darling daughter.

Without knowing how, I took my position; I received the caresses of Jesus, while the devil, facing Him, cursed Him and angrily wanted to cut me into pieces. Jesus withdrew Himself, and I was swallowed into a sad and frightening night, and in endless pain.

I feel in my soul that very strong waves arise around me like the waves of the sea. They surround me with the same might but, like those of the sea that often disintegrate against one another; these also, away from the beach, disappear without causing damage. This vision and its noise, reaching my ears, torment me painfully. I have a feeling that there are things that rise up against me.