How awful, how extreme is the agony of my soul!
I wanted to hide my pain and not talk about it anymore; I wanted
to smother it altogether. It seems to me that the heart cries
with bitterness. Sometimes the hurt it experiences make the
tears dance in my eyes.
I wanted to cover all up, it was enough that Jesus knew, but I
could not; obedience forbade me. And now, slowly, I discover
that I am drawing up from within something of what I suffer, of
what I feel. I do not know if I find myself in a serious state
of suffering or indeed, even if it is a reality. I feel that I
am in the sunset of life. It seems that death is approaching me.
I bow, I yield willingly to receive the blow that it pleases
Jesus to give me. In my heart I feel in the separation from my
loved ones. I am going to my Homeland, but I want to leave
something among them to cheer and comfort them in their sorrow.
I don’t belong here, I am going to my place where we will all
soon see ourselves in that endless glory.
My God, my Jesus, what shall this be?
I want to leave, I have to leave and yet this separation cost me
so much. The pain it causes me seems to rip the heart and with
it all the veins of my body.
May all be for the love of my Jesus and the salvation of souls.
I feel that the world is in so much disarray, so much misery and
sin! I want to put an end to all this and I cannot; I want to
remedy all this evil but do not know how to; I have no more to
give for it.
Ah, if there was someone who wanted to suffer for it, that could
save it, what would I give to him?! My love, everything I owned;
Heaven with all the glory, if it belonged to me.
Alas, I do not know whom to ask, and do not have anything to
give. I feel the disgust people have for suffering and the
cross. If there was someone who would willingly accept it, and I
could take my cross and help others to carry theirs, that would
be the greatest joy and consolation for my poor heart.
Sweet Jesus, see what I want to suffer for your divine love, and
for love of souls, and accept the little I do, because I cannot
To meet the requests of Jesus, I offered Him more attacks of the
devil. For this purpose, I offer him what costs me the most. The
lesser sufferings, are in reparation for all souls.
The demon appears to me in very diverse forms, so ugly,
mountains of them, all mixed with each other. But it’s not that
which makes me suffer so much. He torments me exceedingly when
he says that I do not do certain things because they are too
painful for me, that the fatigue and the weakness of my body
inhibit me. This causes me more pain, makes my heart bleed more.
He means that everything is done by me, because of my
In the two strongest attacks, Jesus came to comfort me. After I
heard the ugliest insults and most shameful words, after he used
all the tricks to get me to sin and take pleasure, as he puts
it, I was hanging over a frightening abyss.
What will become of me, my Jesus? Save me, save me! I repeated.
I felt Jesus at my side, He breathed His divine breath over me,
a breath that suddenly propped me up as if on cushions. Jesus
continued to console me by saying:
- Courage, my daughter, you have not sinned! It is to free souls
from falling into this abyss, and lose themselves for ever, that
you are on its edge.
Jesus' words encouraged me, but they did not remove the pain in
which I am immersed.
In the second demon’s affront, he caused me anguish that he had
not done as yet. It was a very lengthy combat. His gestures,
words, names, suggestions were most shameful. I was tired of so
much fighting, and the devil was furious at not getting what he
wanted from me. I began then feel that the desire to sin, was a
desire from the outside projecting inwards and not from the
inside projecting out. Sometimes I said to Jesus: "No, no, I do
not want to sin!" These words came from my heart, but the will
to sin seemed to be stronger than the cry I raised to heaven.
Oh, agony; sad agony!
When it seemed to me that everything was accomplished, and the
desires of the demon achieved, I screamed for Jesus and my
Alas, what is this?! Save me, save me!
I felt the unspeakable pain that I have already have felt so
My God, surely death does not cost so much! I was bathed in
sweat, it seemed that I had just emerged from a lake. My heart
beat loudly and hurriedly. In spirit, I offered everything to
Jesus and never ceased to call for Him, because it was painful,
the position which I was in, and the shame and pain I felt in
the fear of having sinned. The demon didn’t leave my side,
though at the voice of Jesus he withdrew.
- Enough, enough, evil one, let my victim alone. The victory is
hers. The honor and the glory are mine. The reparation is for
Suffer for love, my darling daughter.
Without knowing how, I took my position; I received the caresses
of Jesus, while the devil, facing Him, cursed Him and angrily
wanted to cut me into pieces. Jesus withdrew Himself, and I was
swallowed into a sad and frightening night, and in endless pain.
I feel in my soul that very strong waves arise around me like
the waves of the sea. They surround me with the same might but,
like those of the sea that often disintegrate against one
another; these also, away from the beach, disappear without
causing damage. This vision and its noise, reaching my ears,
torment me painfully. I have a feeling that there are things
that rise up against me.