Alexandrina de Balasar



― 10 ―


February 27, 1942

Jesus, give me your divine strength, I want my pain but without your strength I’ll never be able to face it. May my heart cry night and day if You will it, but put joy into my eyes, and laughter on my lips. Let your holy love, and the love of souls, be the foundation of my penance.

I am like a little dove in the air that beats its wings day and night; it has no place to settle, your power supports it. If You fail it, its strength fails, it cannot continue its flight, it falls on earth, it has nobody to feel sorry for it.

Jesus, I am wandering in the air, I am being destroyed by the storm; I am the most unworthy of your little daughters, without light and without refuge.

O Jesus, I did not know that I still had much to give You. How vast is my ignorance! I thought I had given everything to You; I made a mistake: You came now to make the last harvest. Reap all, reap quickly and then reap me for Yourself.

I gave my Spiritual Father definitively to You on the 20th, until such time as You wish to give him back to me. I gave all correspondence that I had from him to You on the 24th; it had lighted the way which guided me to You. You have seen how great the sacrifice was, not by any commitment that I had to the letters, but that they were asked from me during days of such great pain. When I took them in my hands and, to unite all, I tied them with a white ribbon, did You hear, my Love, what I said? Jesus gave them to me, Jesus took them. When I gave them in order never to see them again. it seems that all my body shuddered. But wishing to make myself strong, I ever murmured: is not my Jesus worthy of much more? Everything is little to Him who loves me so much and gave everything for me; everything is little to save souls for Him.

After that, I ordered my portrait to be taken from the wall. Little or nothing can be taken into account in regards to this, my Jesus, I didn’t have much esteem for it, I could willingly ask for it to be thrown into the fire. The pain it caused me was only because I saw that even that was being taken, which until then had served as a base for making the innocent suffer. My Jesus, it costs me as much to serve as an instrument of suffering for one as for the other! Look upon the whole of my sacrifice and fill your divine eyes with compassion.

My crucifixion is next, Jesus. See me on the cross nailed with You, my eyes raised to heaven, which I no longer see, always crying: Jesus, Jesus, why did You abandon me? I am alone; all the aid of Heaven and earth fail me. I accept everything to console you, I accept everything, I suffer everything so that the gates of hell may be closed.

(After the crucifixion)

My good Jesus, You always stay with me, You are always fortifying me with your divine grace and strength. You encouraged me saying:

― My daughter, my love-crazed girl, it is in your crucifixion that the salvation of many souls lies. It is in your great pain that my consolation lies and in your complete immolation that my glory lies. My complete joy is in your Calvary. Courage, courage! Jesus, with your heavenly Mother and your beloved Father, will not fail you. You have the divine grace in you.

I walked to Gethsemane. Human agonies and sadness cannot compare with Yours. How much You suffered for my love. Did I dare to deny anything to You? Oh, no, my Jesus, no! Give me strength so that I am not guilty of such ingratitude.

The darkness of Gethsemane was appalling. The sufferings were dreadful. The sins of the world were the direst weight that pressed upon my heart and yours. It was sin, sin alone was the cause of all the suffering, it was sin that I felt ripping my veins; it was sin that took from me heaven, leaving me in the greatest abandonment, forcing me to sweat blood. It was sin, sin alone that was the executioner throughout all your passion. How much do I owe You, my good Jesus, for suffering in me and for associating Yourself with me. I could not resist any longer, and your divine voice whispering to me:

― You, my daughter, always have the love of your Jesus before you.

O my love, I feel the strength of my body and of my soul ebbing day by day, moment by moment,! Only with You being crucified in me will I be able to overcome. I live no longer, Jesus, everything in me is death. I have been plagued, I was crowned with thorns, I rested in your divine Heart; I clutched it with love to mine: to fasten You forever, not to separate myself any longer from You was what I wished.

I had some short moments in which You let your divine Grace fall on me and some of the little rays of your Love heated my heart. When I rested in my heavenly Mother, She joined Her blessed lips to mine and stayed that way throughout the time of my rest.

These are not consolations, my Jesus, and You know that they were taken from me, they are the aids You gave me, without which my crucifixion was impossible.

I went to Calvary. At each step I felt myself falling on the earth, losing my life. I was nailed on the cross; the blood was dripping from the wounds as from fountains. The insults that I heard hit my whole body. The pain in my heart made me so anxious that it seemed to me to rise in my chest to open up. To call for You, to cry to heaven – everything was useless. Only darkness and abandonment, only mortal agony.

O my Jesus, the crucifixion passed, it is already midnight and on the summit of Calvary I stay with open arms, nailed to the cross, in the saddest and darkest of nights, always crying: 'O Heaven, O Heaven, O Heaven, why did you abandon me! O earth that despised me and hate me.

My cry is lost in a world of abandonment, my echo is lost in a world that has no end. I am alone, Jesus, shivering with cold and hunger. I am blind, I lost the light. Will it not exist in the world, my Love? It is all darkness, it is all blindness. Join, my Jesus, to this hard pain the pain that causes me to be saying these things, the lack of my dear Father. Jesus, Jesus, allow everything but scandal; I do not want You to be offended, much less by what concerns me. Forgive everyone, forgive me and give me your blessing, Jesus.


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