Alexandrina de Balasar

December 15

Early, before daybreak, I awoke from a short sleep. Oh my God it's Friday! A dark night descended on me. Jesus, every passing moment I seem to walk towards death, not as one who walks out with love and joy, but as anyone who holds death in the highest horror and repugnance. Buried in this pain, it's time to receive my Jesus. I present him my petitions. Making them, I remind Him of some things.

— I trust, I trust, my Jesus! Not to trust would mean believing in nothing.

I said this to let off steam and at the same time show my confidence in Jesus. I did not expect a response from Him. But He gave me one.

— All right, my daughter, it is exactly like that. Trust, they are words of a God, they are the words of your spouse Jesus who loves you and does not allow, does not condone that you be mistaken.

I received more courage, I gained more strength to endure pain and cope with the aggravations, needlings and taunts I received. I had to suffer everything in silence, my lips clenched. I felt the pain of someone who cried to see how much I suffered; that was a mother's love. In silence I joined my pain to that pain. Jesus came with His sweet and tender voice and told me:

— My daughter, unite your pain with mine, knead it into the love of my Divine Heart. I knead mine into yours. Love Me, you are loved by Me, you are safe full of riches, a repository of divine gifts.

My daughter, dear angel, your pain went to adorn the mantel and crown your Blessed Mother gave you. What light, what brilliance it was given! It is the pain of glory, it is the pain of salvation. It is the sea of ​​martyrdom, the sea of ​​immolation.

My daughter, heavenly garden of divine flowers, sweet meadow that grazes sinners, feed them with grace, purity and love. Keep them, guide them, divine shepherdess, shepherdess chosen by Jesus. Purify them, purify them for Me, guide them, drive them towards to my Divine Heart.

My daughter, mistress of the divine sciences, hold what was deposited in your heart by Me and My Blessed Mother eight days ago: it is the world, they are sinners. It is infinite value, it is my divine Blood. They are souls saved by your pain. This desire of wanting to guard, and not knowing how to, is torment that will consume you until your death, it will increase day by day.

My daughter, in whom is written all that is divine: in you they will learn to love, in you they will learn to suffer, in you they will learn to know how I communicate with souls. They do not know, they do not study what is written. This negligence of theirs causes so much hurt to my Divine Heart!

Have courage! Who suffers with me wins. How many tears of regret they will cry seeing that your name, now so disdained, is with Me and my blessed Mother on earth and will be glorified in heaven!

Come, my blessed Mother, come to comfort my, and your daughter, come and cover her with your caresses.

The Heavenly Mother came soon, took me to her bosom, hugged me with tenderness of love, kissed me, caressed me and told me:

— My daughter, queen chosen by Me and my divine Son, you will be in heaven on a throne by my side, and the side, of my Divine Son, as queen. I as Queen of Heaven and you as queen of earth.

— My Mother - Jesus said - feed her, give her your life, the life of the soul which she always lived, and the life of the body which she needs.

The Heavenly Mother began to breathe on me with her most holy lips joined to mine. I felt strong in soul and body. Jesus did the same, he breathed on me and caressed me. Then He continued:

— My daughter, with my Blessed Mother I am giving you that comfort that you should receive from men. When years ago I said I would be your director, I was referring to these times; it was not separate you from your director (Padre Pinho). Yes, I needed him in union with Me to guide you ant take you to the heights that divine my love requires. I already saw the cruelty and persecution of men.

Courage! Your name that you feel has been disparaged, soon will be talked of with respect, and praised along with mine.

— Thanks for ever, my Jesus. The more things You tell me the more miserable and wretched I feel before You.

Thy way, Mother of Jesus,
Gives me comfort to carry the Cross.

To carry the Cross in this bitterness,
Amid the darkness, in so much dryness.

O Mother of Jesus, give me your love,
To love your and my Lord with it!

December 18

Save me, Jesus; I cannot expect help from earth. I feel abandoned by all, as if everyone was revolting against me. Poor me, without You for just one moment! Always, always the rumblings of a storm, always, always an almost unbearable pain, an endless pain. I cannot be here, my Jesus, the longing for heaven fills me. I cannot see or feel the distance that separates me from You. A fire, at times unbearable, burns my heart, and comes to my mouth and seems to burn my lips. It is useless to drink water. I refresh my lips with it for a short while, then throw it away. It is fire, fire, always fire. And I feel that I do not love You and that I do not know love. Poor me, I cannot live.

I'm tired of making so much effort to save what Jesus and my heavenly Mother give me. I feel as if I am always with arms crossed over my chest to defend myself with all my strength, to guard myself. At other times I flee crazy from a grand attack! They come, I do not know who, a countless crowd, They want to steal what I have in my heart and I flee like a crazy woman to hide everything. I want to wrap chains around me, heavy chains, whole prisons, thick prisons so that nothing can be stolen from me. Hard torment for my soul, during which I can do nothing!

In the hours I suffered thus, I had a terrible assault of the devil. Then I felt as if he stole everything from me; I had no heart left, no chest, nothing. I was a simple egg shell that has nothing within. I felt that what was stolen was carried far away! I was forced to say:

— I do not want to keep anything inside me, I want to sin, I want to enjoy myself.

I was told that I sinned with many demons, with certain people and he named them, saying things about them and me, the ugliest things. He was desperate. He railed against Jesus and accused Him of sins, I shuddered with fear when I heard what he said against Jesus. Occasionally I managed to seek heaven’s help. I was bathed in sweat, and in such a fatigue that I cannot explain. Always I said, without wanting to say it: My Jesus, I cannot do more. The attack ceased and I was unable to move. I was very sad because I saw myself without that immense treasure that I had within me, and also with the fear of having sinned, I murmured quietly:

My God, my God, no light, no guide for me, without a priest to whom I can confide all. O Heaven, O Heaven, O Jesus, O Mother!

The pits had disappeared, but my ears still heard in the distance the sounds of the devil. I felt his anger. In this bitterness, and position of violence, a good while passed. If Jesus doesn’t help me, who can save me? O my God, it is for your love, and for souls. Then I heard Jesus:

- You didn’t sin, my daughter, you didn’t sin, trust, you have given me the greatest consolation, you have given me all the reparation you could possibly have given.

Look, daughter, your guardian angel, who looks after you, now receives the task of caring for you by changing your position when these battles make it necessary. Be cheerful, I'm with you!

I was in the usual position. And after a while, I began to feel that I still had that rich treasure that the devil had made me forget. My soul felt so much joy seeing the wealth that I possessed! And I wished to embrace the rich treasure, I wanted to kiss it. I felt the joy of a mother who, having lost her son, found him again.

I cannot tell the joy of my soul. I cannot tell the concern that this gives me, I'm always afraid that someone might rob me. I want to do everything, I want to suffer everything so that there is no danger.

Yesterday, without thinking, said something that Jesus seemed to dislike. I was very sad. I humbled myself before the Lord, I was embarrassed.

— Forgive, my Jesus. What am I without You?

This pain stayed with me the rest of the day and most of the night. At dawn, when doing my preparation for the coming of Jesus, I could not withstand the pain. I cried and cried. What great pain I felt for having hurt the Divine Heart of Jesus. I wanted a priest with holy absolution to cleanse my soul.

You Purify me, Jesus, You cleanse me. Oh, the pain I suffer for having seen You hated. I am alone with no comfort from the earth. I do not blame You. Forgive me, forgive me! I accept the pain I suffer for those who displease You, and for all who sin seriously without knowing it.

This pain continued throughout the day and I kept careful watch over my heart. I have an intense craving to have whole worlds, thousands of them, crying out: Love, love Jesus!

My God, I do not know if I’ll win, I do not know if I can endure so much suffering. I want to see You loved by everyone and not offended. I cannot bear to see You suffer.

O sin, sad sin, that so hurts Jesus! O Love, O my love, what kind of caresses have You got in store for me? I wait for them, I see them. I'm afraid. If they hurt me a lot, I love You. The greater the pain, with Thy grace, the greater my love. O Heaven, save me, help me!