MARCH 20 

Oh, how I see the world racing on the road to perdition! Oh, what tremendous pain, pain that is impossible to explain! To be a mother, a mother who loves without reciprocated love, to see humanity desert me and all my dear children die. They die in the vices, in the pleasures, in the follies of sin. They are mad for joy, and I mad with love for them, to save them!

The light I possess penetrates everything and everyone. The light is not mine nor is it for me, but with it I see the greatest disorders and miseries. This light sees everything that happens on earth and I feel that the light itself wants to rebel against the earth. Its rays cannot face the slime and disgusting mud that earth contains.

The tower that arose in me reaches up, up; it goes to heaven. I feel that goes very high, but it do not reach its goal. It goes up and with it rises the light. From its pinnacle it sees the world, enlightens the world, spreads its rays over it, rays that try to climb to it because they cannot think of the world.

I want to say so much about this light, want to make myself understood and do not know how.

And now, poor me, I am in complete and total abandonment; I have nobody with me either on earth or in Heaven. It's what I feel, but I trust that it is not reality.

For my great misery, misery without equal, I know well what I deserve. For my part I have no enemies on earth, but those who have offended me, though without thinking, which makes little difference to those who are my friends and so dear to my heart.

Those who hurt me, I feel their contempt and neglect, but I do not fear them. From them who have so cared for me, given me so much affection and love which I will never repay here on earth, I feel the same disdain, neglect and indifference. I do not know to what to compare it with and adds fear, even a greater fear, sometimes terrifying.

Without finding friends on earth, I look up to Heaven. I see it closed. Knocking is unprofitable. There is nobody attending me; my cries of distress are not heard.

If, until now, I was afraid of Jesus and fled increasingly at his divine calling, so that I did not want to hear Him and wanted to hide myself from Him, now, terrified yes, but I feel compelled to come to his holy presence. But, oh, It is as if He is ashamed of me. I have to stand before Him; my soul feels Him and with its eyes sees Him before itself. But now He does not have that call full of sweetness and love, like when I fled from Him. Now He is the strict judge, not overturning sentences. I, full of fear, cannot see Him, and He, as if He is ashamed of me, puts his divine arm before his most holy Face, as to cover it up. What horror!

I spend days in this feeling, this vision. I start to say: My Jesus, if possible, alleviate this horror but, without finishing the sentence, adding: My God, my God, your divine will!

It seems to me that I can expect nothing from Heaven or from earth.

Yesterday, St. Joseph’s day, shortly after receiving my Jesus, the darkness and the pain of my soul disappeared. I was not in joy but with more light and comfort. What a great peace inside me! Jesus told me:

- My daughter, to prove how much I love obedience and how much I love my dear father St. Joseph, I give you respite from these days of fighting the devil. But do you consent that after this day it continues? I need so many of such days for the pleasure-blind souls, entangled in the paths of perdition! ...

– You know, my Jesus, that I want all and accept all. What I don’t want is to sin. Do with me what You will, as long as I give You the love You desire and to save souls, all souls that hurt your divine Heart.

– My daughter, your thirst is the thirst that I have of them. You pant for Me like the deer for the running water. The more you possess Me more desire you have to possess Me. The farther you feel from Me the closer I am.

I shall hide Myself in a place where you can’t see Me or feel; but then I am in you, I'm yours, yours more than ever. But this requires a constant strength. I give you my place of suffering, but not for long; after that, quickly, comes Heaven.

Courage, beloved daughter! Your life is similar to mine: it is Christ portrayed in his beloved victim. Save souls for Me!

I wish so much that my dear father St. Joseph be known and loved! That all husbands imitate him, that wives imitate my Blessed Mother, that children imitate Me. I want all homes, all homes to be like Nazareth.

Jesus was silent and shortly after I was swimming again in a sea of ​​the pain I have mentioned.

Today, while saying my prayers, overwhelmed by the sufferings of body and soul, the demon came. He was desperate. He insulted me horribly. He named several people who claimed they had sinned with me along with him:

- You have not sinned because you haven’t wanted to; now you do want to! It was not God who forbade me to come. Look, He has no Heaven to give you. Heaven is in this world: the enjoyment and the pleasure.

During the fight, whenever I could, I cried to Heaven and when the danger was greatest I repeated many times:

Pardon me, my Jesus, pardon, my love, I am your victim, I am Your slave, but not to sin, my Jesus!

The storm calmed, but I was in a living hell; I saw in me all the horrors people have there. And devil did as Jesus had done. It seemed to me that he was sitting in my heart, leaning cozily and satisfied. He said to me:

– I live here. It belongs to me. It's mine!

What horror, what tremendous horror! The demon as the lord of my heart, soul and all my being. Jesus came and said:

- Go away from here, damn one! I am the lord of this heart, I always have been, and always will be. I have always lived there and will always continue to. She is mine on earth, and she is mine in Heaven for eternity. She is my spouse, my victim, she is a sacrificed lamb, she is my dear dove. Like me she is a prisoner in the tabernacles, for love of me and for souls!

The demon fled in terror leaving no trace of hell on me.

Jesus transformed my soul: from the horrors of darkness I passed to light, to softness. It was just time to relive a little longer to be able to cope with the weight of the cross that I see so often stand in front of me.

Blessed be, my Jesus, all that You give me; be in all my strength and joy in suffering!