FEBRUARY 22

Early this morning I started to feel my soul tormented by the pain caused by the trip Deolinda is making. She is to go with people I esteem very much to visit people I love dearly. It want her to go, but I would like to go too. I offered to Our Lord the sacrifice of not expressing the feelings that I felt in my soul. But finally I could not win over myself and showed my pain and longing.

I was on my cross, raised by the concern about what might happen on the trip, given the fragile health of my sister. Also I feared least the trip turn out poorly for everyone, and for my dear father (Padre Pinho) whom I hoped they would visit as it would have given him great pleasure, though that was not to be accomplished. Also I felt very little response at seeing some respectable people so concerned for us. This feeling chases me these days, increasingly making me feel my unworthiness in front of anyone who comes to visit me.

On the evening of the same day, I bitterly suffered the consequences of that afternoon. Unintentionally, I remembered what had happened. Jesus did not let my soul feel the comfort of confession. Oh, no! The kind priest gave me no comfort, and it was not the first time. I see that Jesus took even that for Himself. Always I yearn for the visit of my confessor to purify my soul and then to confess.

My God, what sorrow! Bitterness, yes, great, very great bitterness, but I was at peace. I had tranquility of soul, because I did not lie or think of cheating. Accept my bitterness, Jesus, I want it, I love it because I love You and I love souls.

Two nights were in contact with one another: the night which was out there and the night inside me. The demon tried to persuade me that there had been a disaster in the journey of those who were so dear to me. He is the father of lies. He wanted to torment me. Shortly after, they arrived at their destination. But this joy was not for me, Jesus  did not allow me to feel it.

I was some time with the holy priest who came to give light to my soul and take my doubts from me. It seemed to me that he was not near me; I felt that he was at such a  distance that there was nothing I could do to reach him. His face seemed to me just an eggshell.

O my God, how varied are the Thy sufferings!

The night was already well advanced. I was alone. The demon came and insulted me. He invited me to evil, to the pleasures of the flesh. I fought so much I was bathed in sweat. My heart, from moment to moment, seemed to lose its life. The Evil One, without getting what he wanted from me, said:

— I shall take you to pleasure. Since I am not enough to satisfy you, I will call my troops. They come now, I'm head of command.

He called his comrades; they began to climb through flames from a deep abyss, many demons in the form of skeletons. My anguish was great, I was afraid that my groans were heard. The Evil One told me:

— Shut up, or that that guy might come here! - and he called the holy priest an ugly name. When I am finished with you, I'll kill him, He will die under my feet, at the edge of my sword.

I was over a horrific abysses. My Jesus, what darkness!

From far away some white leaves fell over them that highlighted their horrors, their black darkness. Then, because the demons were tired of tormenting me, or because Our Lord so permitted, they left me. I could take no more; so violent was my situation, I could not move. What was I to do? I was sad, very sad, and in doubt of having sinned, I cried, I cried out for Jesus. While I did this, the demons ran to the room of the kind priest, telling me, from afar, that they would kill him.

They carried swords and I know not what in their hands. Even with this vision, I heard Jesus say:

— Come, my angel, to fulfill your mission.

I was soon able to set myself right on the pillows. Jesus then said to me:

— You did not sin, my daughter. Courage! Did you see the white petals that fell on the depths? They are the petals of your reparation. Their brightness illuminates the souls that are in them, they draw souls to themselves and they come to my Divine Heart.

Though I was comforted with the words of Jesus, the injury of that past time continued to cause me immense pain. I did not fear that the demons had contrived the death they had threatened. Only in the morning, when I realized he was very silent, I began to fear that he was dead. But Our Lord wouldn’t have allowed anything like that. He came to me; I was relaxed and free of concern, but sometimes I said to Him:

— O my Jesus, this is so like me; I don’t love You, I don’t give thanks to You. Forgive me, have pity on me!

The priest came to speak about the things of my soul and I continued to feel myself far away, always away, my soul and my body in a sea of sorrows. From time to time, I felt within me twitches, horrors, great disgust at having to say what was happening to me, because I feel tiny and miserable, shy and embarrassed in front of the loved ones, because I don’t understand my life and not to love Jesus, and tormented by the memory that it was Thursday. Oh, if  these days disappeared! I said. I feel their approach always, all the sufferings that are being prepared to fling at me and pierce me.

It was night and I felt in my soul the intimacy of those who were so dear, of those who were united with me. I had to leave them, I had to go to Heaven, but somehow to get between them, not to separate myself from them.

O beloved suffering, who will understand you?!