Early this morning I started to feel my soul tormented by the
pain caused by the trip Deolinda is making. She is to go with
people I esteem very much to visit people I love dearly. It want
her to go, but I would like to go too. I offered to Our Lord the
sacrifice of not expressing the feelings that I felt in my soul.
But finally I could not win over myself and showed my pain and
I was on my cross, raised by the concern about what might happen
on the trip, given the fragile health of my sister. Also I
feared least the trip turn out poorly for everyone, and for my
dear father (Padre Pinho) whom I hoped they would visit as it
would have given him great pleasure, though that was not to be
accomplished. Also I felt very little response at seeing some
respectable people so concerned for us. This feeling chases me
these days, increasingly making me feel my unworthiness in front
of anyone who comes to visit me.
On the evening of the same day, I bitterly suffered the
consequences of that afternoon. Unintentionally, I remembered
what had happened. Jesus did not let my soul feel the comfort of
confession. Oh, no! The kind priest gave me no comfort, and it
was not the first time. I see that Jesus took even that for
Himself. Always I yearn for the visit of my confessor to purify
my soul and then to confess.
My God, what sorrow! Bitterness, yes, great, very great
bitterness, but I was at peace. I had tranquility of soul,
because I did not lie or think of cheating. Accept my
bitterness, Jesus, I want it, I love it because I love You and I
Two nights were in contact with one another: the night which was
out there and the night inside me. The demon tried to persuade
me that there had been a disaster in the journey of those who
were so dear to me. He is the father of lies. He wanted to
torment me. Shortly after, they arrived at their destination.
But this joy was not for me, Jesus did not allow me to feel it.
I was some time with the holy priest who came to give light to
my soul and take my doubts from me. It seemed to me that he was
not near me; I felt that he was at such a distance that there
was nothing I could do to reach him. His face seemed to me just
O my God, how varied are the Thy sufferings!
The night was already well advanced. I was alone. The demon came
and insulted me. He invited me to evil, to the pleasures of the
flesh. I fought so much I was bathed in sweat. My heart, from
moment to moment, seemed to lose its life. The Evil One, without
getting what he wanted from me, said:
shall take you to pleasure. Since I am not enough to satisfy
you, I will call my troops. They come now, I'm head of command.
He called his comrades; they began to climb through flames from
a deep abyss, many demons in the form of skeletons. My anguish
was great, I was afraid that my groans were heard. The Evil One
up, or that that guy might come here! - and he called the holy
priest an ugly name. When I am finished with you, I'll kill him,
He will die under my feet, at the edge of my sword.
I was over a horrific abysses. My Jesus, what darkness!
From far away some white leaves fell over them that highlighted
their horrors, their black darkness. Then, because the demons
were tired of tormenting me, or because Our Lord so permitted,
they left me. I could take no more; so violent was my situation,
I could not move. What was I to do? I was sad, very sad, and in
doubt of having sinned, I cried, I cried out for Jesus. While I
did this, the demons ran to the room of the kind priest, telling
me, from afar, that they would kill him.
They carried swords and I know not what in their hands. Even
with this vision, I heard Jesus say:
my angel, to fulfill your mission.
I was soon able to set myself right on the pillows. Jesus then
said to me:
did not sin, my daughter. Courage! Did you see the white petals
that fell on the depths? They are the petals of your reparation.
Their brightness illuminates the souls that are in them, they
draw souls to themselves and they come to my Divine Heart.
Though I was comforted with the words of Jesus, the injury of
that past time continued to cause me immense pain. I did not
fear that the demons had contrived the death they had
threatened. Only in the morning, when I realized he was very
silent, I began to fear that he was dead. But Our Lord wouldn’t
have allowed anything like that. He came to me; I was relaxed
and free of concern, but sometimes I said to Him:
my Jesus, this is so like me; I don’t love You, I don’t give
thanks to You. Forgive me, have pity on me!
The priest came to speak about the things of my soul and I
continued to feel myself far away, always away, my soul and my
body in a sea of sorrows. From time to time, I felt within me
twitches, horrors, great disgust at having to say what was
happening to me, because I feel tiny and miserable, shy and
embarrassed in front of the loved ones, because I don’t
understand my life and not to love Jesus, and tormented by the
memory that it was Thursday. Oh, if these days disappeared! I
said. I feel their approach always, all the sufferings that are
being prepared to fling at me and pierce me.
It was night and I felt in my soul the intimacy of those who
were so dear, of those who were united with me. I had to leave
them, I had to go to Heaven, but somehow to get between them,
not to separate myself from them.
O beloved suffering, who will understand you?!