Alexandrina de Balasar




— 46 —

December 21

Time does not pass, I already have eternity in this world. When shall I see God? When shall I leave this death to be resurrected into life? O my God, how I dread being here! In my soul I feel only the sounds of a great storm. What a crushing weight of humiliation, slander and contempt!

O Jesus, accept this abandonment I feel as consolation for the abandonment in which men leave You. Receive all the trials, all my painful calvary to save souls for You, for each to love You as You merit and deserve.

O my Jesus, where shall I flee to? Where can I hide myself so that they are not able to steal the wealth that You placed in me?

Jesus, look on my weariness. I wanted to keep it in many iron fortresses to which there was no entry, I want to live under the ground so that it could not be stolen from me. It seems that hell has come over me; I do not know how to defend myself, give me shelter in your divine heart, and guard the treasure that You placed in me. I feel that they want to steal everything, and later, Jesus, what account would I be able to give?

O life, O my life! How I fear my life, that is no life; it's just death, tremendous death! It seems that I cannot breathe, how great my weakness is! What terrible darkness and dryness! I wished that my confessor would come to comfort and cleanse my soul. He came, he was charitable and sought to encourage me, but in vain: I feel worse. No comfort comes from this earth.

Oh my God, what will my life be? I'm standing on a cliff edge. I cannot climb. I cannot move. Not even a step forward. I am not able to see. The demon falls on me, if he doesn’t come himself, there are his evil tricks. He handles everything. In a most violent attack he tried to tempt me like he tempted Jesus and the Blessed Mother, to give me the world, but a world of frolics and pleasures. To enjoy, to enjoy, to sin.

– You sin with all hell, you sin with all the earth.

And he made me feel as if it was like that, he wanted to convince me of that. So many times I wish to resort to Heaven, but I could not. Soon I fell under his orders. I heard the abuse of vile words and it seemed to me that I repeated them with him many time just as he wanted. In the finish there was great danger, then from the depth of my soul I was able to cry to Heaven but so great was my torment that he was able to tell me more and more effectively that I had sinned.

Jesus did not come tell me anything, I just felt as if a gentle breeze that took me to my usual position. My sadness was one of death and supreme despair.

My Jesus, as long as I do not sin! And that I love You for myself and for all! If I can save souls for You! If I can give You all consolation! I cannot speak to You, my love. You see what is in my soul, I do not know how to tell You. I wish to tell You everything; to give You everything, I would suffer everything. I have so much to thank You for! I like to say, "Sweet Heart of Jesus, be my love." Only with your consent can I tell You that You are my love and that your Holy Mother is my salvation, I feel that eternity is not enough to tell you: Many thanks.

Yesterday I received many embraces from You, some sweet, others thorny; They made my heart bleed. I have received more humiliation for me and my loved ones. My soul felt these humiliations coming, they were expected, but I also hoped for more. Oh, how good it is to suffer, to be tiny, to disappear for your love! May my name die so that Yours reigns, my Jesus. May I disappear, crushed by pain, so that only You appear in souls, praised and glorified with love.

Thank you, Jesus, for everything that makes me happy and makes me suffer. Thank you, Jesus, for the holy doctor You gave me. What would I do on this thorny path of Calvary? I see that You comfort and cheer me through his lips. How many hours he has spent with me! And yet, when he is away, I get a tormenting fear of him, fear that has no reason. It is thus with all the people I most cherish: in spite of their esteem, I feel separated from them. I'm alone, I have to be alone.

O my Jesus, when do You give me my dear Father? What great cravings I have that he might come to me! What need my soul has of him! And yet, I'm afraid to see him, I fear, horrible fears.

My Jesus, it is Thursday, I walk to my death already dead. My heart is so hurt, so mistreated! My soul sees all the sufferings that are coming. My spirit is in the Lord, my eyes are on him. And I quietly I exclaim, "My God, my God, my Father, my Father!"

December 22

The devil plays the role of a great thief; he makes tremendous onslaughts on my heart. He even wants to get into it, to steal the wealth deposited there. As when he can’t manage to steal it from me, he is enraged, and tries to strangle me. It seems me that I am in his lion’s mouth, carved up between the teeth. But it is not only the rage of the devil, not just his assaults, I feel assaulted by the world. O my God, the world steals the same world!

I feel a weariness that makes me prostrate. I want to keep it, I want to hide it. I have a more than huge desire to purify this world and myself. I want to be pure, pure, and I want it to be pure. I want to love Jesus with a mad, a passionate love, and I want it also to be in the same love. I want to bathe in the Blood of Jesus and I want that Blood to change me into the same Jesus, and I want the world in the same bath, and to undergo the same transformation. I love it as myself, I cannot love it more. What can be done for it, my Jesus? You do what I cannot even know.

This morning, early, remembering the day it was, I exclaimed: My God, it's Friday! Silence and deep pain. If I was able to will this day to disappear from the world ... Jesus, forgive me, in Your hands I entrust myself; only Your divine will be done. It is not to escape the pain, as You well know, is the fear I have of fooling myself.

I felt alone in prison, while all rested. What pain of soul and silent tears! I received a great lesson from Jesus. He, who saw and knew everything, while his soul was crying out with pain and grief, asked forgiveness for all. His Divine Heart in compassion wished to forgive all, seemed to forget his pain only to love us. Then I was on the cross and my blood fell from the hands and feet in abundance. With the shaking of the cross the wounds of the thorns were agitated and a rain of blood fell from them, bathing my face.

O Jesus, all for your love; nor have I strength to breathe.

Gradually, I lost all my blood. I seemed to be dying. I began to feel in my soul a soft and sweet peace. It was heavenly peace. It seemed to me that I left the world and went to enjoy Heaven. I slept long and deeply, warmed by a heat that burned my heart and radiated throughout my chest. Jesus began to speak to me:

– My daughter you do not live the life of the world, you have lost all connection with it. You live in Heaven; you live of what is divine. Your ways are the ways of Christ; this is the reason why you are not understood. Look, my angel, your mission is sublime: it is the richest of missions. That is the reason why you are hated and persecuted, hated by Satan for the souls that you steal from him. Persecuted by the world, because it doesn’t understand the life you live, what my life in souls is. Fear not, daughter, the vast treasure that I gave you through my Mother is not stolen from you. Your great martyrdom is just for the benefit of souls and for my greater glory. I, along with my Blessed Mother, locked the treasure with golden keys. We sealed your heart with divine seals. What pain for My Divine Heart to see your pain!

It is necessary to study deeply to understand the life of Christ in souls.

When I created you, I did so with such perfection, a perfection that is only able to purify and perform a most sublime mission. In the same way I prepared the souls that would guide you, souls who would understand, souls who only live my life, an intimate life with Me. Those who care for you care for Me.

My desire was that all my disciples studied these divine sciences. They do not study them, they do not understand. I give them the lights they need: they try to delete them. In vain: nothing can.

In all ages victims are needed; now more than ever I need them. I have destined you, my redeemer, you see to come at this time, a time when humanity is plunged into a vast sea of ​​mud and addictions. It's what you feel that the world steals. It is the vice that is greater than man, is the vice that is the thief of all that is mine.

O divine shepherdess, queen of the world, it is I, Jesus, who choose you, who have brought you up to new heights! Keep, save what I give you. Feed the herd in the meadow of purity, in the meadow of charity, of humility and above all in that of love. He who loves, and truly loves, does not offend His Beloved.

O fragrant lily, pure lily, radiate the world with your scents, with your virtues that are celestial aromas, scents that attract to you the flock that I entrusted to you and through you come to me, and through you rises to Heaven.

Courage! Fear not. The glory is Mine, the triumph is Mine. Throughout all time my Church has been persecuted, how can it, and what belongs to it, not be persecuted now? What is richer and nobler?

Never have I immolated another victim to this extent, nor will I: I have never received from anyone so many souls, nor will I. You are the mother, the mother of sinners, their queen.

After Me and My Blessed Mother, there is no one who has so much power over them as you. Courage, my shining star, a lighthouse of all mankind!  

I heard everything from Jesus without saying a word. He spoke, and I burned in fire, comforting fire, fire that tied me over to His Divine Heart. At the same time, I received a comfort that raised the forces I needed to cope with my cross.

O my Jesus, what shall I tell You? The more You talk, the more my littleness comes over me. I humble myself. Humble me, Jesus, I am ashamed of my misery, I am ashamed that You use me for such high purposes You. Work, speak, everything belongs to You and tells of Your greatness.  

– Oh dear violet, pure refuge where I dwell, in you I live on earth, as I dwell in heaven with my Eternal Father. You're my Alexandrina transformed in Christ, in Christ alone.

– Thank you, my Jesus, my King of Love!


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