Alexandrina de Balasar
BLESSED ALEXANDRINA’S WRITINGS
― 11 ―
6th March 1942
Jesus, my agony continues, there is no end to my Calvary. The black darkness of night will never end for me; I do not see the road, I cannot go forward, nor can I turn back; I have no guide, I have no life. I feel my heart and my soul have been torn to shreds. For love of whom do I accept all this? For You, my Jesus, only for You and for souls. Use my sorrow and agony, use the sacrifice that has brought me to this extreme, to give peace to the world, my Jesus, so that your divine Heart can receive from me all the joy, consolation and love that is possible, so that all your wishes may be realized, so that the souls may be saved. If I can not live to save them, if my sufferings are not enough to prevent them from going to hell, my love, then quickly take me to Yourself; if I am to live like this at least may this hope remain, that my agony might console His divine Heart. Hasten, Jesus, to help me; make me firm in my purpose. Give to my lips a smile behind which I can hide all the martyrdom of my soul; it is enough that You are aware of all my suffering. My Jesus, search my whole body, heart and soul, see if You find something that can serve You: I want to give You everything, everything. The withdrawal of my dear spiritual Father from me, and all the sacrifices that followed, gave me the most suffering. And now, my Jesus, to know that he is so near to me, and me like a poor, sad bird in the days of winter, dieing with hunger, not being allowed to speak to him, to receive food and life for my soul from him – this is reason enough to die with pain. Reign and command with your love, only it can conquer.
I promised You, my Jesus, to suffer in silence, not having anything to relieve the pain of the sad suffering in my chest. Now I can take no more, Jesus, I am entirely immobilized. The humiliations, contempt and abandonment have overpowered me. I have lost the life of earth, I lost the life of Heaven, I am of no use to You.
Poor soul, that feels nothing but fear and dread. Sad heart, anxious to have the blood of the whole world to pave all roads of Calvary with letters of blood: love, love, the love of Jesus!
But she has nothing, and is of no use in consoling and loving Him.
O Jesus, hear the cry of my soul; I only want to love you, never to sin. I am misery, I am nothing, I am ashamed, I am weak. But my will wants to follow all roads walked by You.
My body is on the cross. I feel my head covered with thorns which I am unable to turn from one side to the other, each thorn wounds severely. Calvary is engraved on my breast; suffering it all is very painful. But my lips only want to stammer: more ― more, my Jesus, more. The will goes crazy as the crucifixion approaches; the body, poor rented nature, wants to retreat, it has not the courage to endure so much. The time is approaching. Be you, O Jesus, the full strength of your daughter who apparently feels herself abandoned by everything and by everybody.
― O my beloved, my beloved daughter, this is the way, follow me; the way is painful, it's the way to the Calvary. It was Me who chose you, it is for the salvation of souls, it is for my glory. Courage, my beloved! I have more consolation and joy in your crucifixion than in all the sufferings and love of souls all over the world! Cheer yourself; trust! You will soon, very soon receive the reward of all your sufferings. Have courage! Your dear Father is here to help you with your Jesus and your dear heavenly Mother.
I walked with You, my Jesus; I came to Gethsemane, but already so alone! I remembered your divine words, only they were my strength. There I didn’t find You nor hear your voice. Sad night of abandonment. That wave of sin fell on me. Through Gethsemane paths were cut for souls. Each soul was sealed by your blood divine. What sadness to see so many souls withdrawing from the paths and even despising them. But on all these paths various souls appeared suffering for You. Sweet Jesus, what a great pain for your divine Heart to be so mistreated by souls for whom you showed nothing but love. What confusion! What a dreadful fear transformed your heart and covered your body in blood! Poor me! What I was in the midst of that Gethsemane, my Jesus? A small ball, a useless instrument managed by You. Then came the steps of the Passion; here and beyond I was faint with weakness. During the flogging, I confess, my Jesus, that I never felt so abandoned by Heaven and earth. It was only a wild raving in my poor body; I was already at the height of my distress; it would have to cease or I would die. I felt then aid from the earth and your divine grace fell on me, I rested in you for some time to receive the sustenance I needed. My soul was transformed, it passed from the most extreme pain and agony to lightness and peace.
I went to the crowning of thorns. I felt obliged to rest in my heavenly Mother, I felt at that time, and several times after, that my dear spiritual Father, who they took from me, wanted to give me relief. My heavenly Mother took me in her arms and covered me with her mantle. She kissed me, and You kissed me, my Jesus. I heard You say to Her:
― She is my daughter, and your daughter, my Mother; she is born of our love. I followed on to Calvary; every step was a moment less of life. I missed the aid of Heaven, I had no light to show me the way. It was as if agony itself nailed me to the cross. The insults of Calvary stifled my moans: only You heard the drops of blood falling on the ground. I felt in my heart the moans and the tears of my heavenly Mother. I fell then in extreme agony, crying to Heaven and asking it what caused such vast abandonment. My cry was not heard, it seemed to me that it was not meant to be answered; I had to die alone.
And now, my Jesus, already a few hours of the night have passed, but my pain doesn’t end, my agony doesn’t end, my abandonment remains. Forgive me, my Jesus, it seems that I do not believe in You. The words that you said could not be meant for me, I am a vile creature, I cannot understand how your divine eyes can rest on me. What I am, what I am, my Jesus? Forgive me, bless me, my Jesus; however I wish to love You.
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