Alexandrina de Balasar





— 47 —

December 24

Is it possible with this tiredness, with this suffering to stay a long time in this exile?

My God, if this is what you wish I submit to it all.

My tiredness is due to suffering, it is due to my wanting to throw my arms around the world, to hug it in an eternal embrace. I want to see it all as a hymn of praise to Jesus, a single fire of divine love. I do not know what else to do. I do not know where to hide myself from it. I want to fly to heaven and take the world with me, the whole world, not to leave any creature here, but I do not know what it is. I want to rise with him but an invincible force, or one that seems invincible, drags me down, tries to steal it from me.

O my Jesus, what account will I give You for the treasure You have entrusted to me?

Deolinda, the sister; Maria Ana, the mother and the blessed Alexandrina

In these painful cravings to cleanse myself and purify the world, to love my Jesus and make everyone love Him, I do not know how to achieve it myself, let alone apply it to the whole of humanity. I began to cry, cry bitter tears, tears that only heaven saw. I offered my heart to Jesus again, asking Him to come and be born into it.

While this was happening, I could not see but my soul felt that the devil was dancing around me. From far away I heard ugly words from him. I panicked.

The night was coming, for my soul there had been no day.

While the demon was threatening me from far, fear was overtaking me because of him, I heard Jesus in the very depths of my heart.

– My daughter, fear not, you have not sinned; I did not let you sin; give me this reparation, give me this consolation that I can only receive from you. Fight against Satan. Make reparation for the crimes that they will practice during the approaching night, a night that was to be so holy and I am so offended by it! Oh, how much innocence is lost!

Jesus said this to me in so much pain and hurt. I stopped hearing Him, but I felt stronger.
After a few minutes, I do not know how, I began to hear the devil with his hellish voice inviting all his comrades to come and sin with me. I felt that they obeyed, that they all came to play their part.

I thought it would be good to die, my heart had no strength for more. Only for Our Lord I did not die. It cost me a lot to hear the names he called me and shameful words he said. What caused me the greatest pain was the fear of sinning and the blasphemies against Jesus that he used, accusing Him of being a criminal; this is what I was not able to hear. I was too afraid to hear such things about my Creator. If it was not for the sake of my love for Jesus and souls, I’d tell Him no. Suffering is good, but when I see that, in my fight against the devil, Jesus also hears the terrifying things from him, oh, how much does it cost! Oh, to how much does Jesus subject Himself for my love and for all souls!

December 25

The holidays are always a deep sadness for me. I try always to comfort those around me showing myself as happy: but my joy is feigned. I fix on Jesus and my Heavenly Mother, I raise my thoughts to Heaven, and I accept the pain for love. It is for love that sadness is joy to me. Not looking at the earth, firm in Heaven, only in Heaven, the thorns are roses, the pain is sweet.

At midnight on Christmas Day, not to mention the night I was in the soul, the most sharp pain seemed to dismember my whole body. I didn’t cry, but I moaned; only Jesus knows how much I suffered. I began to sense fire and hear the ringing of bells. I asked them to bring some statues of the Child Jesus. I placed them on my chest. I wanted to warm them.

The warmth I gave was not what I wanted to give them: I wanted to burn them with fire of love. I wanted to tell them many things and did not know how. I held them to my chest and kept up my sweet moans. I am sure that Jesus accepted them and was not sad. He could see that no one suffered as much as I, that no one He knows moans for love as I moan and when I can love no more. I do not know how many minutes passed, but I know I passed to another life and heard Jesus in my heart.

- I was born in the manger of your heart, my daughter. It is the Spouse who comes to His beloved, it is the King who comes to His queen. I am the King of Heaven and earth. How good it is for me to be here, O queen of love! The crib you give me is not rough like Bethlehem, is soft with your virtues. In your crib I do not feel the rigors of cold, I warmed up and burn with the purest love. You are my star, the star that guides the world as it once guided the Magi on the road to Bethlehem.

Say, my daughter, to all who care for you, to those who are dear to you, who love and surround you that I give them an abundance of my graces, the fullness of my Divine Love, a place reserved in my Heart with the divine promise of Heaven.

I did not see the Child Jesus, but as he told me I was alongside a large palm tree and angels, hundreds or thousands of angels, many of them with their instruments, came down from above and surrounded me. It was delightful the haste with which they descended. Among them was a large staircase; numerous golden rays came down to me from all the steps. They were like arrows to pierce my chest. And Jesus told me:

– It's your virtues, they are rays of divine love. Receive, they are your life.

Those beams strengthened me, gave more light than the brightest sun. I saw everything clearly. I do not know the time, but this vision lasted a long while. I left it painfully. I was like those who walk and look back, acknowledging that they want something. I wanted to return to it. I did not return to the vision, but the pain returned.

Came the day, day without light and life without life. Always wanting to keep my world safely within me, I continued to fake my joy. All the pampering and affection I received from so many esteemed people passed as if it were not for me. When the day finished, I said to myself, where did I spent this day? It seems to me that I was dead to Jesus and to all those around me. I lived, but felt no life. I suffered, but it was not my pain. I did not live for Jesus, I didn’t feel I loved Him.

I do not know how to say it better. I say nothing of what happens in my soul.

Oh, my sad life is so misunderstood!


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