Alexandrina de Balasar



ó 35 ó


November 14

To dictate the feelings of my soul I have to do violence to myself. It seems to me that I am dragged to the place of martyrdom, which really frightens me. May obedience command me: whatever it cost, Jesus, accept this further sacrifice.

What days of anguish I have passed! I cannot find Jesus or the heavenly Mother, however repeatedly I call Them and search for Them. My sufferings are varied. For hours my mind wanders through the air, always among the most terrifying darkness, unable to find a place to alight for a moment. My mind wants to rise, rise to heaven, but it canít see heaven, canít find it: it no longer exists. Jesus is not there or my heavenly Mother. They donít hear the cry that calls them, donít see the cravings or the martyrdom of this poor spirit. O my God, all is lost! O Jesus, what is so much suffering for? There is no Heaven, or souls to save; everything has ceased to exist. Oh Jesus, I am always Your victim! I trust in your existence, trust in Heaven where You are, and where You wait for me to love and delight in You. Sad hours, sad days of my life. O holy will of my Jesus, I want you, I love you, I enclose you in an eternal embrace! My agony is changing. Horrible hours of doleful confusion. My soul dies. O horror, O horror, shuddering horror! My God, how can this be? My soul died, all that belonged to me died! Was it the miseries, the wickedness, the shameful crimes of my poor body that caused its death. Without soul, without life, without anything, how can I be here? Who does this pain, this agony belong to? I do not know Jesus. Alas, what sad confusion; it is almost  despair! O Jesus, O Mother, what will become of me unless You come to my aid? If You abandon me, who can help me? Blood of Jesus, sorrows of my heavenly Mother, be my strength in this martyrdom; I suffer it for your love, I suffer it for souls. I cannot accept the death of my soul, I feel that I myself want to rebel against You. I remember those condemned to hell: imagine this torture for all eternity!

During the hours of the night I am alert in continuous union with Jesus. His loves prisons are my prisons. I am continually consumed with a craving to love Him. Everything is in silence, and I with Him. You are not alone, my love, I'm with You, I love You, I am wholly yours. Like a burning lamp, I fix my gaze on the Sacred Heart of Jesus and my dear heavenly Mother; I beg their blessings, graces and love for me and for those I love, even for the whole world: for I want everyone to love Them. Courage fails me: I have no love, and whom shall I love? My misery frightens me. What shame, what confusion! The weight of humiliation falls on me. My soul feels the rumblings, the rumours of storms a long way off. I walk with difficulty, frightened. Thorns without number, a shower of them fall on me. My soul, heart and all my body are torn, bathed in blood. I look back, I see the past, all the paths I walked have disappeared. My God, what destruction! Before me a frightful mountain; impossible, I cannot climb it, I cannot even take a step back. Suddenly I feet myself falling on my knees, my hands are clasped; my eyes are directed heavenwards, I invoke the name of Jesus and my heavenly Mother. I scream, I shout from the depths of my soul. My cry does not ascend. It hides among the rocks of the mountain, is soaked up in my blood and in my flesh, cut by the spines, to die there with me. The agony of the soul increases, I can no longer cry. I am without any sense of help forthcoming; I experience such grief, and my heart beats so hard that it seems me that I am going to lose my life. Oh, it is sweet, my Jesus, to die for You! Both to love You and to die. To suffer, to suffer to give souls to You! The divine Holy Spirit, during the hours of my greatest affliction, beats Its great white wings like those of an eagle, creating for me a most gentle and encouraging breeze. He injects His large beak into my heart to renew and fortify it. In one these moments Jesus whispered to me very intimately:

― I am here, my daughter, in the paradise of your heart, in the nest of my delights.  Suffer gladly, because it is for Me.

I was cheered a little, though I fainted soon after. My Communions, despite the great effort I make, are not what I desire, I donít love as I want to love; I cannot speak to Jesus. When from this side and that come new blows to hurt me, when provocations come beating at my door again and again, I fall down in a faint. Then I raise my eyes to Jesus and tell Him:

ó It is thus that I accept and want what You wish. As I am weak, Jesus, have pity; my great misery is worthy of compassion. I summon up the strength and take a few steps forward.

The devil didnít torment me with his attacks, but with his lies and scandalous words. He came close to me as if to assault me; he threatened:

ó I will destroy your body and he adds many ugly things.

ó You may sin as you wish and whenever you wish.

Pretending to be delighted, he claps his hands, dances and laughs.

― Look, so and so did not come back here, they left you; they thought you were innocent but you are ... (and he says the worst words to me).

Then, with renewed laughter, he tells me:

ó They were forbidden to come here.

My Jesus, donít leave me in the hands of the father of lies! He is my enemy, but Yours too. I need support, give me courage, do not let me sin. I am very poor, give me your wealth; I am little blind girl, give me your light. I belong to You, Jesus, and I belong to souls.

November 15

The attacks of the devil returned. These past nights he came with all his anger and fury. He tormented me greatly. What he made me feel in the body I shallnít say here. He told me:

― Look at yourself, what a spouse of Jesus!  Forget it! Tell Him that you are not His spouse any longer. See how disgusted He is with you, He does not want you.

With very ugly words he named several people and told me it was with them I wanted to sin. He wanted to instruct me in sin.

― I will devour you in the night. I will destroy your body. You will be able to live for pleasure as you live for love. To sin is much better! I will lead you to pleasure.

Dancing and chuckling, he told me:

― Look, Fr Umberto and the doctor did not come back here: they were forbidden to come here. ― And he added ugly words.

The devil sometimes also speaks the truth. I had a presentiment a few days ago that the Rev Fr Umberto was forbidden to come here. The fight followed for a long time. He made great commotion, stronger than a storm. He frightened me. I was tired from the constant struggle. Whenever I could I called Jesus and my heavenly Mother and said to Them:

ó I do not want, do not want to sin!

Jesus came on my aid. He said:

― Be gone, evil one, go to hell. Leave my victim, I am much pleased with her reparation.

He fled terrified. From a long way off he looked back, raging against Jesus. I was so sad! At the beginning of my preparation for Communion, the thought of this last fight came into my mind. I got frightened. Alas, how I can receive my Jesus? Suddenly, I forgot everything: I could receive Him and be fully united with Him. Hours later, seeing my family with food that I liked so much, I felt an almost unbearable longing to partake of the things I liked. I kept silence, said nothing and offered to Jesus my sacrifice and my longing in order to make reparation for those who only long for sin and feed on things that offend Jesus. It was almost evening when I received news that made me believe more in the feelings of my soul. My God, what a deep blow in my heart! I was not told directly, but given to believe that Rev Fr Umberto was forbidden to come near me. I said:

ó Let the will of Our Lord be done. Whatever God wants, blessed be my cross.

I was able to lift up my hands so I prayed the Magnificat in gratitude.

ó Oh my Jesus, accept this one more thing I have to offer Thee.

I felt a strength in my heart I can not explain. I wanted to sing hymns of praise and thanks to Jesus. I prayed the evening prayer with enthusiasm and strength. There were tears, lots of tears near me. I said a few words of comfort with no profit. I saw near me an open grave for my sister, it seemed to me that it had been I who had dug the land and opened it for her. Jesus, itís me who am burying my sister, but it is unintentional. The heart then was bleeding in pain, but was bleeding profoundly. O Jesus, O heavenly Mother, all for your love and for souls. May I remain alone, everybody leaves me, but You do not leave me. I trust, I trust!

November 16

O my God, how great are my struggles with Satan. My doubts made me suffer so much and now he is the cause of even more. He came at me with fury. What scary sounds surrounded me. He used his hellish malice, and made out that I laughed at sin and at the people complicit in it. I did not pay attention to him. I called on Jesus when I could, I swore to Him that I did not want to offend Him.

ó To love Thee, to love Thee, my Jesus, to hide myself in Thee, in Thee to disappear forever; I'm your victim: to love Thee always, not to sin.

The weariness of the struggle led me to the gates of death. And the devil, without compassion, used his wickedness with increasing fury. So many things I did not know, so many that had never for a moment entered my mind! He throws everything in my face to convince me that I am the most disgraced woman in the world. Exhausted from so much struggling, I felt a pain in the heart as if I had been stabbed. The heart, which had been palpitating with all the distress, stopped beating; it was losing its life.  I did not see nor hear Jesus but I felt his divine presence in my soul. With his full authority He signalled the devil to go away, and he fled howling in despair. He does not manage to touch me when he uses his tricks. Yet they are so great and so grave. My God! If the world knew them it would not offend You so seriously. Once the fight stopped, the doubts remained: I was trembling with fear lest I had sinned.

A shock came over me. With a foreboding that made me suffer I was anxious to see the Rev Abbot to find out if he had been given orders not to come back to give me Jesus. He arrived and said nothing, but the fear remains. Will it yet come, my Jesus? They steal everything from me, only barely leaving You. Will they also attempt to take You from me?

ó Oh my God, I deserve everything for my wickedness and misery. I am sure, my Jesus, I trust that if they proceed to take You, You will give Yourself in some other way; You know that I live only for You.

Rev Father came along with the Mogofores family. It cost me a lot, new thorns hurt me seeing that he who so well understands my soul didnít come. I tried to hide my pain with a smile. I spoke of my presentiments. They sought to hide as much as they could. I understood everything. When they had gone, I do not know how to tell of the pain I felt, the profundity of the blow. I felt in myself some holy longing for the theft I had suffered through menís wickedness. I gave everything to Jesus and asked for forgiveness and his divine Love for all. Will of my God, oh, how I want you and love you! I felt stronger and so I could continue to cover up with a smile the pain that was in the soul, that ripped it apart.

My Jesus, all for Thee! You suffer still more!


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