Alexandrina de Balasar


ó 12 ó

March 7  1942

My good Jesus:

I spent almost the whole night in Your company; I didnít lose my union with You. I cried because I could not hide my pain; my tears were for You. The darkness reached as high as from earth to heaven; the blue of the firmament was hidden from me. I was so abandoned, so lost in the awful darkness: my pain was mortal. Before sun-rise You entered my bedroom, You came down into my heart. The pain continued for some moments, then your divine sun shone in my soul, I enjoyed your sweet peace and heard your voice divine:

― My beloved, O my beloved, my love consumes you. In you there is only very fine gold; my divine fire purifies everything in you. What wealth is in your heart! In it I find all consolation and delight. You gave Me everything, I took it all and kept it.

I came to the garden of my spouse, in it I picked many flowers and kept their perfume to distribute to souls: it is this that attracts them to me. My dear little one, tell your spiritual Father, that that is what he is, and always will be; It was not my wish that they take him from you, nor will it ever be; say that I send him all my love and that of my blessed Mother. Itís enough, itís enough the experience of men. The blow that you received would have been fatal if I hadnít looked after you, if all my divine protection hadnít surrounded and helped you. I want him to return soon with all his care for your soul.

Tell Dr Azevedo that everything he does for you, he does for Me and I receive it through you. His reward is in eternity, I send him all my love, from you he will receive everything. All his little children are under your protection, none of them will be lost, each one will have a place of predilection in Heaven. I want him to be ever watchful of the plans entrusted to him; they cannot live without his care. The end is approaching fast, all the glory and triumph is for Jesus.

I didnít hear You, my love, and almost immediately my heart started bleeding with pain. However, your divine power strengthened me; I suffer, but with more vitality. I do not want to doubt your words, I hope for a strong resolve, I hope for the complete transformation of human hearts. Only the power of a God can renew them in the face of so many obstacles.

I trust in You, my Jesus: donít let me die of hunger, donít allow me to fall wholly into discouragement. Give me all the love, all the confidence, and a great desire to suffer for You.

A blessing, my Jesus, for poor Alexandrina.

March 13  1942

Jesus, I will avenge myself, avenge myself with all the strength of those who have made me suffer. Do You know how, my love? With most devout prayers, with all my sacrifices, so that they may know You and love You. If they loved You as You want them to, they would not act as they do. Forgive them, good Jesus.

Without You, without your grace, I would be capable of everything they say about me, and of much more. If You left me alone a moment, that would be time enough for me to commit the greatest crimes. My only reaction to those who injure me and humiliate me can be to thank them. They open up for me a new way to You  so that I can follow You more closely, with more perfection and love.

I want to smile for everybody, but always, first and foremost, that smile is for You. My poor heart is cut in pieces, they donít stop treading on it and continue to aggravate the same wound. No matter, it is all fuel for your love, it is enough for me that I am despised and treated by all as a slave. To You, my Jesus, I have already given myself as slave, and continue to give. I incline my head, to receive from You the axe of all the pain and sacrifice. And in my innermost heart I go on saying always: do, Jesus, do with me as You wish.

Jesus, my lips are shrivelling with thirst and my soul is dying of hunger and thirst. The thirst of my body is for You, a thirst that You donít allow to be satiated; I offer You the sacrifice, I accept it with love, so that You can satisfy the thirst of all hearts.

The thirst and hunger of my soul is caused by men, they allow me to die, they do not allow my soul to feed and be satiated at that source that you have chosen.

O Jesus, O Jesus, have pity on me, see my soul as little bird lost, losing its life in helplessness.

Woe to me without you! What pain, what pain, my Jesus! What darkness! What frightful darkness! What paths so covered with thorns! I fall blindly on them; I wound my body and I lose my blood. It is for souls. You put in front of me, in front of my eyes a huge cross, I see it clearly, on it I am nailed continuously. And now, Jesus, from moment to moment my agony grows increasingly painful. From a great distance I call out, almost without life; my eyes lose their light; I die abandoned, full of fear. The crucifixion is closer and closer; seek me, veil me, my Jesus.

After the crucifixion

My Jesus, when the moments of the greatest of anguish were upon me, did You hear, my Jesus, my voice almost gone, asking You to take me to yourself, because I could take no more? Forgive me, my Jesus, forgive me, my love. It is true that my weakness was so absolute; my body had no strength, I was unable to move. My will wanted to follow You, it was firm and you came help it, You gave me your life, fortified me with your sweet voice:

― My daughter, my beloved, give alms to Jesus who wonít ask for them very often[1]. Without these alms, sinners die of hunger and thousands fall into hell. Without them, there would be no peace in Portugal, nor would there be peace in the whole universe; without them my divine love would not reign in many hearts, in many souls.

Courage! Your spiritual Father helps  you, helps you with Jesus and your heavenly Mother.

I walked to Gethsemane each time with more sadness, pain and darkness. I felt You, my Jesus, investing me with the mission of calling souls. You told them the agony of your divine Heart, You showed them how it was injured and for love alone. What ingratitude! I felt them turning away from You, despising You. Poor souls, they donít want to hear You! They run away from You, though crazed with the loss.

The souls went to one side and the Eternal Father to the other, angry with You, leaving You in the greatest abandonment. I could not resist feeling your pain, your bitterness; even the stones on the road spoke of it. I could not see any way You could escape the loneliness, You allowed Yourself to put lower than the ground, to be crushed by a universe of sins. I do not know how to express your pain, my Jesus, I have no words to explain the infinity of your love. I rose from Gethsemane and continued to be the same instrument in your divine hand during every step of the Passion.

The abandonment increases from crucifixion to crucifixion, the dying is more, a thousand times more. From Heaven I cannot expect aid, on earth they want to take everything from me. O Jesus, O Jesus, to where will I turn? Only with obedience, so badly misunderstood, can I offer resistance to a sea of pain.

During the flagellation I leaned towards You; your divine Heart was my shelter, in it I received the life that I had almost lost. Protected by You, I looked at all the sufferings, but while I rested I had no fear of them. Your divine shelter gave me strength, it alleviated my pain. When without any pity they struck my head and buried sharp thorns in it, I went to rest in my beloved heavenly Mother. Then, just as a little child plays in the lap of her mother, I ran to Her, I hugged Her neck, I kissed Her, and by Her I was caressed.

I looked from one side to the other, from all of them sufferings arose; I knew that these sufferings were for me; my heart smiled at all of them and said: I accept everything for love.

O my Jesus, this is relief, not consolations, as You well know. Keep the consolations that I could have in your heart divine. Shine in souls while I suffer in darkness.

I went to Calvary, I went to the cross; the exhaustion was mortal; insults fell on me. My body and soul were full of fear and dread. To cry to the sky was the same as to cry to nothing. To die alone, to die in pain between tears and sighs, to die to give life, to die to transform the darkness into light, these were my anxieties.

When this martyrdom ended, my Jesus, my poor heart had no moments of relief, it continued to bleed; it could not hope for happy horizons. Almost everything is digging my grave. I look behind, I look forward, I do not see anyone to help me; everything is rebellion, everything is contempt.

And my life of illusions goes on. Will they give my dear spiritual Father back to me? Will he come today, tomorrow? My Jesus, I did not commit any crime; I suffer in innocence, I suffer for your love, I suffer to give souls to You. Rather suffer a whole life in innocent than suffer a single moment in guilt.

My Jesus, the letters of my spiritual Father were given back to me . What for? The sacrifice has been made. It was like putting them on a corpse that feels nothing. Obedience dictates, I accept.

Your blessing and forgiveness.

[1] Deolinda explains to Fr Umberto: "Our Lord makes Alexandrina to understand that the physical crucifixion goes to an end ".


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