Alexandrina de Balasar



— 31 —



20 October

My God, my strength fails me, my body is ash, even pain dies. Everything passes, eternity approaches and I am empty-handed.

I want to cry: Jesus, I feel it is necessary to bathe the world with tears and blood. I want to cry for my sins, I want to cry for the sins of the world. I want to suffer, I wish to suffer and I suffer, but I feel that the pain is not mine, I feel that I am not the one who suffers.

Oh, misery, oh, misery! What ruins appear in my dust, in my ashes! I deal coldly with my Jesus, I withdraw so far from Him. My God, what horror, what distance separates me from You! It seems to me there is nothing in the world that can propel me to Thy love and unite me for ever with Thy Divine Heart.

Lord, I'm not myself; I cannot be here and this life is not mine: Jesus, have mercy, do not draw away from me, do not turn your backs on the most miserable of your children! Jesus, I am misery, but it is with this misery that I want to love You, it's just the way I want to be yours, entirely yours.

Jesus, let this poor little girl lift her wings, let me, let me fly to You. Heaven, Heaven, Jesus, You created me for heaven!

Look at my struggles with Satan. Tonight, my God, my God, the evil one tried make me despair of salvation. He told me there was no salvation for me.

— God has convicted you and passed sentence. You can enjoy all the pleasures you wish because you are excluded from salvation.

He laughed, calling me the ugliest names, and told me:

— You want to save other souls and you can’t save your own. You are condemned, you are doomed.

Laughter, more laughter and malicious gestures.

I am your victim, Jesus, I want to suffer everything and not sin. I want to love You, I want to praise you. I'm a victim, Jesus, I am the victim for souls. I give you my blood, I give you everything, everything.

The devil was furious, he threw himself at me with the fury of a lion. As he was bound with iron chains and could not reach me he bit himself and, howling with despair, said to me:

— Hell is closed, but your body is paying. Look: what a night of sin! You suffer for others and don’t suffer for yourself. Renounce all the suffering, renounce all the offers you have made to God, tell Him you do not want anything, because you are already doomed. You shut hell for others yet you opened it for yourself. What a wretched eternity awaits you! Believe what I say.

- Before hell, my Jesus, I cry to heaven in my tremendous fight. Rather hell than to sin! Rather a miserable eternity than displease You in the least little thing. I love You, I love Thee, my Jesus, in the fights, in the struggles, in Calvary and in the cross!

The storm calmed and I fell asleep. Shortly after I prepared myself to receive Communion, sad, sad, and like a beggar shivering with cold. I was afraid to receive Jesus; I was not worthy to receive Him, to possess Him.

He came, oblivious of my misery; I united myself to Him and the desire to love Him increased in me. I want hearts, I want tongues to praise and love Him for me. O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, O Heaven, give me love so that I love with this love.

24 October

I died, died for the world, I died for everything. This tiny life breathed its last breath a long time ago when it was in agony, losing all the strength that had dragged it through the big cemetery. Even the animals themselves have disappeared, those who came upon my ashes and upon others that were not mine, but were in my care.

Some days ago a shower of blood began to fall from above. Blood rained and is still raining. At first it simply washed the ashes; later it washed them until they disappeared; now there is nothing. The blood continues to come from above; it falls on what is clean so there is no longer anything to wash. Oh my God, how can I speak of something that does not exist! I'm nothing; I am speaking of pain, of pain that is not mine, of pain that doesn’t belong to me. O my Jesus, I feel the pain but it is not me who suffer, My life is deprived of the pain that was mine. I see myself now suffering from exhaustion, it reminds me of a snake which has run out of poison. I see this pain wrapped in mud and writhing to and fro. This life that belonged to it is living on a higher plane; it has abandoned it, never to return. It lives up there, very high, looking at the pain down here and looking at it with compassion. This life living on high is a life similar to that I spoke of on the Assumption of our Heavenly Mother this very year. I do not know how better to express my feelings.

O Jesus, You know and You understand everything, I do not know what life this is. Have pity on me, save me in my fights, in my struggles with Satan. He continues to tempt me to evil. He wants to seduce me with his shameful and malicious lessons. You know that I suffer all things for your love and for souls. You know that I do not want to sin, do not want to hurt your divine Heart. Yes, to hurt it, ever to hurt it but always with arrows of love, not with sin; I do not want to hurt You, I do not want to displease You. Because of your kindness and love he hasn’t come back so often. But alas, my Jesus, when he comes, he is more furious and vindictive. And it pains my poor soul so much when he says to me:

— You see how it is that you want to sin, and so you go ahead and sin? Now, though, when you feel faint, you give yourself away to pleasures less often. Doesn’t this prove that your sin is due to you, not to me?

And then he insults me with all the dirty and bad words. He threatens me saying that I will have a night of sin and then takes his time to come, leaving a desire to sin in my soul. Then, when he comes, he throws these feelings of my soul into my face, saying again that it is me who does the desiring, that it is I who sin.

— My Jesus, You know well that I do not want to sin. You alone see how I get scared when I hear him in the distance with his threats. I'm always scared seeing when the time of martyrdom comes. Bathed in sweat and tears, I turn to You in the most difficult moments.

Jesus, save me! Heavenly Mother, show that You are my Mother, present me to Jesus as a victim, I want to release Him, I want to make reparation, but I do not want to sin. I gave myself to Him as a slave, I want to serve Him, I want to love him and give Him souls. To sin, never, O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother! I am a victim, I am a victim! In the latest attack, from 11 to midnight of this night, bathed in sweat, I cried real tears. My heart could not resist anymore. How many times I repeated:

Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in You! I swear to You, I do not want to sin. Help me, Heavenly Mother, from Heaven where You are, save me!

The evil one sidled up to me, dancing and clapping. He told me that my lost writings were now in his hands, that they would be a disgrace throughout Portugal.

— They do not come from Fr Umberto’s or Fr Pinho’s hand any more - and called them ugly names. He pronounced also the doctor’s name and told me ugly things about him. Desperate, he shouted in the distance:

— I can’t see them, I hate them, hate them very much!

After the fight, I was distraught, but only with the fear of having sinned.

O Jesus, I trust in You and in the word of those who direct me. Alas, here I confide and have courage, there I feel sick and in doubts! Come, Heavenly Mother, help me! Save me, save me, Jesus! I was at peace, united to the tabernacles, glad to be awake, I said:

Jesus, I want to keep watch, I want to love for those who are asleep. I want to suffer, I want to make reparation for those who are sinning. So the hours passed and I entered into myself to speak to the divine Persons of my soul. I feel so many times their divine kingship in me! I love so much to live in solitude and silence with these Persons! I feel that the Holy Spirit is on his throne, the throne of my heart, between the Father and the Son, but above them, beating His white wings as if to wake me and tell me they are there. He irradiates me with His love, gives me His flame of divine fire, leads me to holy inspirations, moves me to practice good works, charitable works, and often with much sacrifice. For so many things I feel His divine action. When I am in ecstasy with Jesus and He tells me to write everything, but I am not able write, and I am sad because I cannot recall anything. Then He who knows everything, says to me:

— Go ahead now, because the divine Holy Spirit is with you, you have divine light.

And it's true! I start to write, I remember everything, I understand everything without difficulty. I feel a light that shines on all paths. The divine Holy Spirit! With His light I see so many things in souls, so often anxious to say more and not having the courage.

Give me the Holy Spirit to know everything. And how many times real misgivings, as the coming of people near me, events, etc. ... The Holy Spirit is the divine fire that guides me and leads often to the heights: I lose myself in it, I’m irradiated in Him. Oh, if all souls knew and felt in themselves the presence of the Father, of the Son and of the Holy Spirit!

My Jesus, I have so much of a craving to love Thee! I faint with so much longing for Heaven. How sad to live here! Have pity on me! I feel myself so hurt, and for people hurt who don’t know they are hurting me! Make my heart similar to Thine. For your love I want to forgive all, for your love and for the love of souls I accept these thorns that hurt my head so deeply for many hours of the day. If the world understood the pain! If the world understood one offense against You, it would not sin, it would only love You. Jesus, give me endless love, give me love for all. Give me strength and courage to obey by writing everything as I am told. What disgust, my Jesus, in everything I write! If it were not for obedience, I would not write anything despite the great need I feel to do so. I love obedience, whatever it costs, I want to be faithful, I want to obey all commands.

Thank you, my Jesus, for the relief that You gave, bringing near me one who so well understands my soul. With eyes on You, but always on the cross, I can breathe deeper. O cross, O love of my Jesus, I want you, I want you, I die for you!

25 October

Day by day, moment by moment, my life becomes more painful and sad. On the one hand, the order of obedience requires me to live hidden not receiving people so that little by little I will be forgotten. Oh my God, if I could chose, that's what I would want, but what a mistake! The more they want me hidden, the more they make me known. Visitors come from one side and from another. Now the physicians’ curiosity is aroused, what torment for me! O souls, O souls, as one must suffer to save you! O Jesus, O Jesus, how much the achievement of your love costs! This morning when I was preparing for the visit of my Beloved, I felt sad and bitter. My God, to receive You thus, so full of misery! Have pity on me, Jesus! O Heavenly Mother, cleanse my heart, my body and my soul, prepare me for Jesus’s visit.

He came, making all things serene. I felt Him in my soul, alleviating my pain and uniting me wholly to Himself. After a while, I received the news that my writings, those that were considered lost and that Satan had claimed to be in his hands, had appeared. I felt great joy. Since Jesus was in my heart, I took the occasion to thank Him more closely. Shortly after the visits began. From Jesus I received strength for such great sacrifices.

It was two thirty pm and five men came into my room. I had the feeling that one of them was a doctor. They started to question me. I do not know why but my eyes were fixed on one of them. I learned later that this was the doctor. How had I the feeling that I was talking to a doctor? I responded to  everything and tried to explain about my illness. Serenity didn’t fail me. O Jesus, only You know how much all this costs. When will it finish, O my God? Surely only with my death! I answered firmly, because the truth has only one way. It was time for me to speak about my intake of food. Blow! I wish nobody knew about it!

— Then do you not eat anything?

I did not know if I was talking to religious people. But without human respect, I said:

— I receive Holy Communion every day.

A deep silence for a moment fell over all of them, nor a gesture or a smile. Shortly  afterwards they withdrew very delicate and respectfully. O Jesus, O Heavenly Mother, divine Holy Spirit, give your holy light to these souls, make them be yours and follow your ways. May my humiliation and sacrifices serve for the salvation of all. O Jesus, I want to live to love You and for the salvation of the souls!


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